From: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com (buffyfic-digest) To: buffyfic-digest@lists.xmission.com Subject: buffyfic-digest V2 #180 Reply-To: $SENDER Sender: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Errors-To: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Precedence: bulk buffyfic-digest Tuesday, May 12 1998 Volume 02 : Number 180 In this issue: BUFFYFIC: VA -Step six- Acceptance, (2/7) by Andrea BUFFYFIC: "Future Imperfect" -- Chapter Six -- (1/1) BUFFYFIC: VA - Step six - Acceptance (3/7) by Andrea See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 11 May 1998 21:40:14 PDT From: "Andrea Newbery" Subject: BUFFYFIC: VA -Step six- Acceptance, (2/7) by Andrea Author: Andrea Disclaimer: Spike, Angel, Buffy, Dru, and Willow aren't mine . They belong to Joss Whedon, the WB and probably some other people. None of them are me. Antoine, Mandy and Joseph are mine, or at least they belong to the voice in my head. He knelt there thinking, not strong enough, it was the story of his life. He always chose the path of least resistance. No sense changing at this late date. He stretched up facing the window, letting the tears flow freely down his cheeks as he waited for the sun's rays to enter through the stained glass window. His mind registered then that it was a picture of the resurrection. Closing his eyes he tried to remember who he had been when he was human. Slowly relaxing into his death he was shocked to hear a voice from the back of the room. " May I help you my child?" He swung around realizing his game face was showing in his surprise. The old man standing at the back of the church barely twitched an eyebrow. " I overheard you, I apologize, but you sound as if you are in such pain." He just stared at the man, wondering how anyone could stand so calmly and look at his face. And the old man looked perfectly calm, perfectly at ease. He felt an almost irresistible urge to lunge at him; the demon didn't like someone without fear. He concentrated on calming down, getting control of his face, but the man had already started down the aisle towards him, " Your face is burned you should get some salve on it. And your hands." Reaching out the man took his hands and turning them over ran his fingers softly over the burns on his palms, "Come with me." Gently guiding him, the man led him into a room off the side of the altar. Sitting him in a chair then disappearing through another door. He looked around at the room, at the comfortable chairs and the bookcase crammed full with papers, magazines and books. The shelves were full of candles and statues. It was a gentle room, a lived in room. He settled deeper into the chair. The man reappeared a few minutes later with some dry rags and an aloe vera plant. Breaking a stem off, the old man rubbed the broken end over his burnt palms and forehead. Then taking the rags the man tied them over the burns on his palms. "Don't you know what I am?" He was frozen by this man's gentleness and the tears were threatening to fall again, "I am a monster...a vampire...I kill." "But not anymore right?" The man smiled softly at him, "You came here to die..." " I have a soul now." He felt himself sinking into an almost trance-like state, wanting to tell this man his story, wanting this man to be his judge, "My name is Spike...William the bloody if you prefer." "Spike, I am Antoine. I am very pleased to meet you." Antoine grinned at him with such pleasure that he found himself helplessly smiling back. "Why?" "Because you are so sad and seem so alone. I am alone too. And you seem to want to change. Who can not be glad to meet someone who wants so badly to change that they are willing to die." Shrugging at him Antoine stood and pulled back a book from the bookcase. The bookcase slid away revealing a door. Opening it and gesturing to him to follow him, " There are no windows in here, you'll be safe until sunset. We can talk more then...yes?" "Yes." He found himself helpless to do anything but agree with this man. Forgetting for the moment that he was supposed to be greeting the sun he stepped into the room. Cots were lined up in rows, about fifty of them all covered in varying degrees of dust. He looked to Antoine puzzled, but Antoine only shook his head. "Another day my child, another day." Slipping quietly through the door Antoine pulled it shut behind him leaving Spike surrounded by darkness again. He stood there for what felt like forever trying to process what had just occurred. Finally deciding that he wasn't going to figure it out before sunset he inched his way over to the nearest cot and lay down. Curling up into a little ball he closed his eyes and succumbed. His mind was a jumble of images, of deaths he had caused. He walked down a street filled with his victims, still breathing. They were all reaching up to him, begging him to save them, asking why. He ran from them in his dream, his heart pounding, his breath ragged. He jerked up, sweat dripping from his face, a pounding in his ears. He put his hand to his chest, convinced it was his heart, but nothing. He was what he was and heartbeats and breathing weren't any part of it. The pounding continued and he started to look around for the source, then faintly he heard, "Are you okay?" Antoine was back and finally showing a little common sense. Smart of him not to just burst into a vampires' boudoir. He started to answer, but was beaten to the punch by, "You have to open the door from the inside, I forgot to turn the lock last night." So maybe he wasn't afraid. He wasn't sure why that made him feel so hopeful. Walking over he pulled the door open and was greeted by the little man who was carrying a jug of red liquid... blood. Spike stepped back afraid it would be human and the smell would be too much. The aroma drifted slowly into his nostrils and he realized it was pig's blood. Antoine held the jug out to him smiling slightly, "Take it, you must be hungry." Staring at this man who seemed so accepting of what he was, he slowly took the jug and drank from it. He shuddered, but felt the demons' pull relax. He realized Antoine was staring at him and in the same instant felt the ridges. How could this man just stand there while a vicious animal fed on blood in his church? "Why are you doing this?" "Well, the pig was due to be slaughtered anyway, waste not want not." Antoine grinned at him and calmly took the empty jug from his hands as if he fed vampires every day. "Come, we'll talk now...yes?" He followed him, Antoine's lack of fear rendering him speechless. Which wasn't something he ever was. Antoine led him into the study and sat him down. "Can I get you anything...tea...do you...I'm afraid I'm not familiar with what you can or want to eat. I'm sorry," Antoine face turned a slight red. Grinning, enjoying Antoine's discomfort he answered, "Tea is okay. I_ am_ English you know." "I had gathered that," Antoine said. Offended that he would even think he didn't know. "I am fairly familiar with most 'human' origins." Ahh... score one for you." He smiled then asked the question burning in his throat, " I want to tell you my story. Will you listen?" "Of course," Antoine said folding himself into a chair and staring at him with total attention, " I would." Swallowing, he hesitated not knowing were to start or if he was willing to lose this man's acceptance. He was surprised to find his stomach full of butterflies, how long since that had happened to him. He licked his lips trying to figure out where to start...how to start. "Well, I'm a...vampire, you know that. And I am a killer, but not recently. I.. um...well, my soul was restored so I have a conscience and I can't kill. But I remember all the killing." He stopped, trying to gather his thoughts, "I was a ruthless killer who felt no remorse, I enjoyed it but ..." "But you don't feel that way anymore," Antoine posed the question in soft tones, "You don't want to kill?" "No...Yes! I have a demon inside me screaming for me to kill. He wants me to kill you...here...now." Swallowing his panic, "I won't, I can control it. I won't be a killer again...I can't." "The demon is still inside you?" Antoine looked confused, "But you said your soul was restored?" "Yah. Right. Confusing stuff. I was made a vampire over a century ago. I lost my soul then, the demon took over my body, my thoughts...everything." Stopping, finding the tears near again, "I don't know where I was...where my soul was. I just know I became aware again a few weeks ago. I only realized what I had been doing then." "So, your soul is sharing the body with the demon?" "Yes." "And you had no knowledge of what had been happening when you were not.... there?" Antoine was leaning forward in his chair now. He tensed, a familiar sense of dread washing over him," No, but that does not erase what I did!" He was expecting the same old not - your - fault spiel to come next. He didn't think he could handle this man dismissing what he had done so easily. He waited. "I had a niece who I loved very much," Antoine said closing his eyes as a wave of pain rolled over his face. "She was a beautiful child, full of love." "That's nice," he said faintly, confused, absently rubbing the rags that covered his burns. " Do you see her often?" "I killed her." ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 12 May 1998 07:08:17 EDT From: KylenRevik Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Future Imperfect" -- Chapter Six -- (1/1) This is chapter six of thirteen. All comments, please, to KylenRevik@aol.com. The same with any questions or requests for missing pieces. Chapter six is one post long. See the prologue for disclaimers and notes. ~ "Part Six: Confession" Place: Harris/Chase Residence. Time: November 24, 2002. 1:00 p.m. "Cordelia?" There were a few silent seconds, and Buffy wondered if she might have caught her friend out of the house. She hoped not. She had to talk to _someone_ before tonight. But then the door opened, and Cordelia was standing there. "Buffy!" she exclaimed. "Come on in, what's up?" Buffy swallowed, then walked past her and into the living room of Xander and Cordelia's apartment. She took a few steps into the room before turning to face her friend. "Cordie...I need to talk to somebody. And I know we don't have serious discussions, really, but..." Concern flooded Cordelia's expression. "What's up?" "Well," Buffy said, suddenly realizing how much more difficult it was going to be to say this aloud than she had thought it would be, "first you have to promise you won't say anything about this to anyone. At all." Cordelia nodded. "Okay. But what--" "Tonight," Buffy broke in, "I'm going to Sunnydale Cemetery. To...meet Angelus." "You're _what_?!" Cordelia exclaimed. "Buffy! The last time you fought him he nearly--" "I'm not going to fight him, I'm going to bring him back." Buffy suddenly felt tears pricking the corners of her eyes as memories began to flood back. "Cordelia, I can't talk to anyone else about this because Xander or Willow or Giles wouldn't understand how important this was, they wouldn't see that I don't have any choice in this." "But what if--" Ignoring Cordelia's words, Buffy continued speaking, though her voice grew softer and softer as she went on. "It's been four years," she said, "and I can't do this anymore." "But--" "I found a spell in one of Giles' books," she said, and Cordelia finally fell silent, probably realizing that Buffy wasn't going to allow herself to be interrupted until she had everything out. "It involves a candle I bought earlier this week, and it...creates a sort of guiding light, for his soul to get back to his body." She paused a moment. "The book says that if I can resummon the soul, show it where to go, it will be able to force the demon out." She shook her head. "I don't completely understand it, but I have to try." She looked at Cordelia, and a tear trickled down her cheek. "You understand, right? I have to try." Cordelia looked at her for a long few seconds, and briefly, Buffy was worried that the other woman might break the promise of secrecy she had made. "I...don't know." Cordelia shook her head. "I mean...Buffy, for god's sake, you have to be careful. I mean, you aren't going to just go in there with a candle, right?" "No," Buffy said quickly. "I'll take some stakes with me. But I have to be able to get close enough to him for the soul to bridge the gap, and--" Cordelia nodded. "Okay then," she said. Buffy watched her friend agree, so quickly, and wondered if perhaps Cordelia wasn't taking this to be as serious as it was. On the other hand, if that were the case, perhaps it was for the best- - - this way, Cordelia wouldn't go off running to tell anyone, because she wouldn't think there was any real danger. "And you're not going to say a word to anyone, right?" "Right," Cordelia replied. "Because I know we don't talk about things like this too often, and I just wanted to make sure...Cordelia, if you tell anyone about this--" "I won't!" Cordelia objected. "God, Buffy, you know, sometimes you treat me like I'm still the shallow, spoiled kid I was three years ago!" Buffy had to smile at that, though she knew Cordelia didn't mean it in a joking manner. "Okay. I believe you." She paused for a moment. "Cordelia...one other thing." "Yeah?" "If anything...if anything happens to me..." She swallowed, doing her best to pretend she wasn't really concerned about the possibility of something happening to her. It was a hard fight, but she was reasonably sure she was winning it. "I want his ashes on my grave." She paused a moment. "I'm going to try to find him near the big monument in the west end of the cemetery. So if anything happens, that's where you should look first." Cordelia looked confused for a moment, then she nodded. "Okay," she said. "But...nothing's going to happen to you, right?" "Right," Buffy replied. "Nothing should go wrong, and nothing will. So I just wanted that as, you know, a backup plan." Cordelia nodded. "Can do," she replied with a smile. Buffy forced a grin, hoping it looked halfway sincere, and gave Cordelia a quick hug. "Thanks," she said. "I knew I could count on you." Without waiting for her friend to reply, she moved toward the door. "There're a few things I need to take care of before tonight, okay?" Cordelia nodded. "Sure. See you tomorrow, then. You and Angel, both." Buffy grinned and nodded. "Yeah." She couldn't believe how amazing it felt, to say that and be able to feel even a little that it might be true, and in twenty-four hours' time she would actually be with him again. Dangerous thoughts, she told herself, because if it didn't work then she was just setting herself up for a fall. It didn't keep her from hoping. And this was the first time she'd honestly thought she had a chance of bringing him back since before Miss Calendar had died. She and Cordelia said their goodbyes quickly, and Buffy left the apartment, wondering what Giles and Willow and Xander would say when they found out. She smiled inwardly. She could only imagine their expressions when she turned up the next night with Angel's arms around her. That thought brought up the oft-remembered last night they had spent together. It was amazing, Buffy thought, that even after four years...she could still remember everything about him. Everything about that night. Unfortunately, she could also remember the last four years, all in amazingly stark detail. She sighed. Too much pain, and too many memories. She glanced at her watch. It would all be over soon enough. Soon enough. She had only a few more steps to take-- getting together her stakes, reading the directions for the spell a few more times...she hoped Giles hadn't realized that she had accidentally ripped an extra page from the book. She had been looking for it ever since she had gone back the next day, and seen that it wasn't anywhere in the room, but she hadn't been able to figure out where it _was_. Oh well. At least she hadn't lost the vital stuff, all the intricate directions regarding how to use the candle to summon Angel's soul back to its body. Because she still needed to memorize those. Not that she was afraid of her capabilities in that department, because she still had until darkness fell to fix the lines in her mind. So, she thought as she started her car and pulled away from the curb, from this point until later tonight, all she really had to do was go home, get her stakes, memorize the lines, and wait. It was so close, she could feel it-- the end of everything that had been tormenting her these past four years. Because she'd truly had enough. But after tonight...no more. Angelus would be dead and gone, she'd have her Angel back. Either that, or she'd die trying. ~ All comments/questions to KylenRevik@aol.com, please. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 12 May 1998 06:49:42 PDT From: "Andrea Newbery" Subject: BUFFYFIC: VA - Step six - Acceptance (3/7) by Andrea Disclaimer in part one (and two) "Oh." He started to fidget in his seat. His forehead was getting itchy as it healed and he didn't know what to do with Antoine's words. He was having a hard enough time dealing with his own guilt, he couldn't help Antoine. "Don't you want to ask any questions?" Antoine didn't seem to be particularly upset, "It's been a long time since her death, I want to tell you about it." "Sure." He owed this man for the shelter he would listen for a while, until sunrise. Then he would finish what he had set out to do. "I think it will help you." Antoine looked at him with such a wise expression; he was reminded of long ago and how his father always seemed to know what he was thinking. "She was ten, my Mandy, when she died. Her parents had been killed three years earlier. She had lived with me since then. She was such a shining light, so full of all that is good, everything in my life was for her." Antoine leaned back in his chair the words coming from his mouth in a hazy voice as he visited his memories; " Mandy was always a bright child, always ahead of others her own age. She was almost eerily aware of the world around her, from birth practically. I remember her eyes following me around the room when she was only two weeks old. Such a beautiful baby." Smiling to himself Antoine's recollections trickled to a standstill. "Was she psychic? My girlfriend has premonitions." "Psychic? You have a girlfriend? Is she a.... vampire? Of course, she must be, right?" Antoine spoke quickly trying to cover his lapse into silence, then, "She was my shadow. We were such a team. I need you to understand how much I loved her. Still love her." "I do." He actually could feel the love emanating from him when he spoke of her. A child, he would never have any children. Another thing lost. " I didn't take her seriously when she first spoke of the voices. She was forever imagining spirits and ghosts. At the time I was very strict in my beliefs and what she said didn't fit into it. Spirits and ghosts and vampires were not real. Do you see? If I had believed then maybe I would have saved her. Maybe not though, maybe not. Anyway I was sitting on the porch at our house on a lazy august evening. The sun was just beginning to set and the breeze was strong enough to keep the flies away. I remember how serious her face was as she sat at my feet. After sitting quietly for a few minutes she turned to me. That innocent voice saying my name 'Uncle, I need your help'. I, of course, promised I would. The first time I ever lied to her, even if I didn't know it at the time. She told me of the words in her head that she hadn't thought. Of people she saw that no one else could. She told me that he wanted her. That he wanted as many bodies as she could gather. But she said it in such old English, the speaking pattern was nothing like her own. Maybe she didn't even understand what she was saying. I ignored that though, told her it was just her imagination. That she was so smart that her brain wasn't being challenged enough and gave her some extra math problems to work out." Antoine put his face in his hands then grimaced, "Funny, one choice and your life swings off, are you ever amazed at what happens because of one choice?" "Sure...yes...died... became a demon...bad choice." He kept picturing a child with Dru's dark hair and eyes."What happened to Mandy?" "She did her math. I sat on the porch," Antoine voice caught on the last word. Taking a shaky breath he began again, "Sorry, I guess it still hurts. Anyway things were fine for a while. But she seemed to be playing by herself more and more. I would hear her in her room talking to herself. She seemed to be tired all of the time, the bags under her eyes took up half her face. I took her to doctors and specialists, but they could find nothing wrong. I soon began to notice that she wasn't the only one with this problem. Many of her friends were also sickly. Can you believe I found that reassuring? Thought it was a problem with a food source or the water. Fixable at any rate." "Was it LSD in the water? I felt the effects of LSD once. I probably would have believed there were ghosts," he was intrigued by the little girl he would never meet, but was so loved by this man, " Sorry continue." "Not LSD no. Not anything. They tested everything possible, there was no chemical cause they could find for it. The children just kept getting sicker. And Mandy started to change. Her personality changed. She became cold. She seemed to enjoy others pain and suffering. I remember one night I came home to find her watching the news, a mother pleading for whoever had kidnapped her child to please bring him back. She had such a look of joy on her face. It frightened me. When she saw me, nothing changed, she just kept smiling. I realized then that whatever was happening to her wasn't going to go away anytime soon. The next morning I tried to talk to her. She sat there blankly looking at me; there was no recognition in her eyes. I sent her off to school with a hug. She glanced at me before she left and for a second I could see my niece in her eyes. It faded quickly, but it had already given me hope." Antoine stopped, stood up, "Would you like some more tea?" "What...oh. Sure." Immersed in thoughts of the girl he stuttered trying to answer, "Demonic possession?" But Antoine had already disappeared into the kitchen. Returning five minutes later carrying a fresh pot of tea. Sitting down Antoine fiddled with the tea bag, slowly preparing the cups. He watched itching for him to continue his tale. "Keep in mind that nothing that happened was her fault," Antoine spoke passionately for the first time, " She was a good child until the end." Nodding his head, he knew Antoine was heading into the heart of his tale. He was dreading, yet anticipating what would come next. Antoine leaned forward in his chair cupping his tea with both hands as if trying to capture its heat. Taking a deep breath he began again, "Small animals began to disappear, pets. I found their bones in small piles in the woods behind our house. They were perfectly clean as if they had lain there for centuries but they hadn't been there three days earlier. Perfectly. How was that possible? Mandy held the answer. I knew that with my heart and in the pit of my stomach. I just couldn't accept it. Then the first person vanished. I didn't go into the woods for weeks after that. I couldn't face what I knew I would find. Another person disappeared. Can you understand? I knew she was doing it, was involved, but I didn't know how or why. My angel was a murderer. What? Why did you make such a face?" "Sorry...Angel... bad word association," gesturing for him to continue he relaxed his expression. "Why? No...nevermind you can tell me later. I want to finish this. Where was I? Right, I began to get calls from the other children's parents. The other children were getting worse much faster than Mandy. The parents were afraid of their children. They thought they were possessed and since I was a priest that I could perform an exorcism." "You're not a priest now?" "No, please...let me finish. They believed the devil was in control of our children. I didn't believe in the devil, but I was starting to believe that there must be some spirit or demon at work. My Mandy wasn't capable of the things she was doing, yet she was doing them. And the hate shining in her eyes. I contacted a friend, a fellow priest, who believed strongly in the devil and he sent me the information on exorcism. I decided I would do it to Mandy first. I performed the ritual two weeks later, but it did nothing. She didn't react to any of it, not the prayers or the crosses or holy water..." "Lucky." ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ End of buffyfic-digest V2 #180 ****************************** To subscribe to buffyfic or buffyfic-digest, send the command subscribe buffyfic-digest or subscribe buffy to majordomo@xmission.com. You will need to go through a confirmation process, and the listowners have to manually approve your subscription request, so it may take some time. To unsubscribe, send email to majordomo@xmission.com with unsubscribe buffyfic-digest or unsubscribe buffyfic in the body. 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