From: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com (buffyfic-digest) To: buffyfic-digest@lists.xmission.com Subject: buffyfic-digest V2 #184 Reply-To: $SENDER Sender: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Errors-To: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Precedence: bulk buffyfic-digest Wednesday, May 13 1998 Volume 02 : Number 184 In this issue: BUFFYFIC: A Dream among the Nightmares (1/2) BUFFYFIC: A Dream among the Nightmares (2/2) BUFFYFIC: ruiner Re: BUFFYFIC: ruiner BUFFYFIC: "Future Imperfect" -- Chapter Nine (2/2) BUFFYFIC: "Future Imperfect" -- Chapter Nine (1/2) See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 13 May 1998 00:21:29 -0400 (EDT) From: sarah Subject: BUFFYFIC: A Dream among the Nightmares (1/2) Ko. This is my own personal therapy, to get through the night, and maybe until the end of exams, at which point I can finish some of these stories crowding my brain. This is inspired by The Becoming, part I, and was created while listening to the soundtrack of Interview with the Vampire, which if you ask me is just perfect for an evil Angel. :) Disclaimer: I only wish this were mine. Maybe one day when I'm rich and bored it will be. Now I'm neither, so it's not. All I can say is, please, oh please Joss, don't kill off Angel. ::whine:: I need angst in my life. And you don't get more angsty than ::sigh:: Angel. Archive: If you feel you must, but tell me first. Comments: Most welcome! And send over anything else you deem necessary. Like chocolate or flowers. A Dream among the Nightmares By Sarah Liz Gordy I saw you there, among the light You were the light So young So innocent So very like the gypsy girl Who in her own way, led me to you You didn't know what you were to face What you would become What you already were You weren't ready You would be the lamb of their sacrifice He knew that, the one who found you But he took you on You, the only hope I don't know why it mattered to me I haven't felt like this in the century of guilt But I saw you Everything changed I don't know what to say or how to say it Perhaps I won't say anything at all But I cannot stay as I am I cannot let you I know what they would do to you What I would have done What I have done, to so many others of your calling I won't let that happen to you I'm not sure what I will do Right now, I'm not fit to do much of anything I must go now, and learn about you About them About this place, and reluctantly Myself as well But I will return to you Always to you I know the one who found you will protect you I do not fear on that account But the both of us, The demon and myself We know there is more For a demon, he reads too much But it has apparently served him well You will not be able to face your future battles alone I do not prize myself enough to think I will be the companionship you require Or desire And I know there will be others to aid you You are quite singular in that fashion But an equally singular vampire Endowed with a terribly singular curse Even he is allowed a dream Among his nightmares I see you know So different You stumbled across the weight of the world It fell upon you with your first slaying The knowledge The hurt It rips you up inside You don't know where to put it In your shallow world There's no place to hide And you don't even feel the tears As the ones you hold the closest Pull farther apart Under the lies you had to tell Because you knew they wouldn't believe I'll believe you But you wouldn't be able to return the favor Not yet I will prove myself To you To them To the demon inside me who even now rattles the cage of my willpower And to the little one thought enough of my potential To drag me from the sewer rat I'd become I had strength once and powers I do not know if they still exist within me Or if to banish the demon I must take leave of them as well But for you I will challenge it I will dip into the strength it possesses I will fight my inner demon as you fight the others So that I may join you in your battle And make it my own ~ Copyright 1998, Sarah Liz Gordy aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa a a a a Sarah a a a a ::exhale, evil grin:: a a Liz a "I was goin' thru a *phase*" a a a a aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAngelus ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 13 May 1998 00:24:08 -0400 (EDT) From: sarah Subject: BUFFYFIC: A Dream among the Nightmares (2/2) See first part for intro and disclaimers - all apply. A Dream among the Nightmares By Sarah Liz Gordy I almost didn't recognize you But I've found you again We are both so very different from that first night You look older Much more so than your body could have become You look harder Stronger And just a shade more lonely I heard what happened What that I could have spared you that pain I would spare you more if I could But honestly, I don't know if I'll be able I am strong now More so than the others But theirs is a demonic rage Not to be underestimated But as I said, you seem quite changed Almost as if you could handle it now On your own But that is a good thing I think Now we are equals I have something for you I've been keeping it for sometime I never seem to be able to work up the nerve To actually give it to you That would require close contact Very dangerous For me To speak with the object of my every waking thought The subject of my only dream I think of you and I am ashamed I cannot be who you would want me to be If for some deluded reason You would ever want me Could I speak with you and stay calm? I cannot think of you and do the same Fear for you clouds my thinking Fear and something else I daren't define That which prompts me carry around this rattling box Like a besotted fool Waiting for that moment The one that has yet to present itself That will be the perfect moment The one in which we meet I still don't know what to say But the time is drawing near I no longer have a choice The situation around us demands action I look for you To present my gift A most sacred and feared emblem But you are already gone Out into the night I will search for you Lurking in the shadows That's one thing that little freak My teacher Will still let me do You think I am cruel to say so? He is a freak And so am I Neither of us is quite who we seem Neither of us belongs where we should He seems to be content as he is though Like he's found what he needs to do And perhaps Just now So have I * I was there, though I admit it to no one Cowering from the light Drawn to you ~ Copyright 1998 Sarah Liz Gordy aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa a a a a Sarah a a a a ::exhale, evil grin:: a a Liz a "I was goin' thru a *phase*" a a a a aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAngelus ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 13 May 1998 00:28:05 -0400 (EDT) From: sarah Subject: BUFFYFIC: ruiner here is one i thought you could enjoy who's persective do *you* think it's in? nin Ruiner You had them on your side, didn't you? You believed in all your lies, didn't you? The ruiner's got a lot to prove he's got nothing to lose and now he made you believe The ruiner's your only friend well he's the living end to the cattle he deceives The raping of the innocent you know the ruiner ruins everything he sees Now the only pure thing left in my fucking world is wearing your disease How did you get so big? How did you get so strong? How did you get so hard? How did it get so long? You had to give them all a sign, didn't you? You had to covet what was mine, didn't you? The ruiner's a collector he's an infector serving his shit to his flies Maybe there will come a day when those that you keep blind will suddenly realize Maybe it's a part of me you took it to a place I hoped it would never go And maybe that fucked me up more than you'll ever know How did you get so big? How did you get so strong? How did you get so hard? How did it get so long? What you gave to me My perfect ring of scars You know I can see what you really are You didn't hurt me nothing can hurt me You didn't hurt me nothing can stop me now ~ one more... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa a a a a Sarah a a a a ::exhale, evil grin:: a a Liz a "I was goin' thru a *phase*" a a a a aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAngelus ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 13 May 1998 00:39:40 -0400 (EDT) From: sarah Subject: Re: BUFFYFIC: ruiner I am *so* sorry. I did *not* mean this for the list _at all_, though in my personal opinion, it has everything to do with buffy, though in a Spike-looking-at-what-Angel-is-doing-to-*his*-Dru sort of way. But that's not the point. Please forgive me for this waste of bandwidth and time, and have mercy on a poor college student who is so far wigged about exams that she doesn't even notice she's sending newly discovered nine inch nails lyrics to the buffy listserv instead of her best friend. Honest - they looked the same at the time... (but no, Rach doesn't actually look like Buffy, it was, oh, nevermind. I'll shut up now.) Please, be kind. I know I was wrong. No flames... ::whimpering in the corner:: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa a a a a Sarah a a a a ::exhale, evil grin:: a a Liz a "I was goin' thru a *phase*" a a a a aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAngelus ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 13 May 1998 06:15:06 EDT From: KylenRevik Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Future Imperfect" -- Chapter Nine (2/2) This is the second half of Chapter Nine. See the prologue for notes and disclaimers. All comments to KylenRevik@aol.com, please. ~ He sprinted after her, not wanting to call out, but not knowing how he was going to be able to do anything to stop her. He heard both her voice and Angelus' long before he reached the actual monument. "Buffy, come _on_," came Angelus' voice. "Don't be ridiculous. You know as well as I do that you've broken out of grips like this. I could get up and we could fight, if you want me to prove it to you." "Fine, try it and we'll see." "Nah. It'll be much more fun the way I've got things planned." Xander swallowed hard and pushed himself harder, coming up on the grove just in time to see Angelus coming away from the Slayer's throat. "No," he whispered. "Time for Buffy to have a little snack," Angelus hissed, and Xander watched as he pulled the blade away from his wrist and lowered it to Buffy's lips, holding her nose closed with the other hand. Xander felt his stomach turn, seeing Buffy for the second time reach for the stakes behind the gravestone, missing again. He swallowed. He had to save her. Had to do something, he couldn't just stand her doing nothing until...until...what? Until he lost her again? He couldn't, he couldn't go through that again, he couldn't have her so close and then-- He was moving for her stakes almost before he knew what he was doing himself. Angelus was so intent on his prey that he seemed only peripherally aware of Xander's presence-- and when he did look up, it was to flash a cruel, predatory smile toward him. As if to say, Xander was next. Xander swallowed, reaching out and grabbing one of the stakes, hearing Buffy scream as she lost her breath and began to open her mouth, saw Angelus' grin twist into something even more horrifying as Buffy started to swallow and all there was to breathe in was his blood. Xander lunged down at the two of them, stake in hand. Angelus, hearing the movement, glanced up at the last moment-- and Xander's stake found its target. A sharp poof, the sound of a vacuum being suddenly filled, sucked at Xander's eardrums for a bare second. Then he found himself holding the stake over Buffy and a pile of ash. He stared down at her, his voice having vanished from his throat, without anything to say or do to offer her assurance, and slowly sank to his knees beside her. "Buffy," he whispered, "are you alright?" His eyes swept down her torso, and he sighed in relief when he saw there was no blood. Then his yes traced their way slowly, back to her throat...where a fountain of blood was bubbling over the skin Angelus had cut open. He moved his hands to her neck as though by covering the wounds he could save her, as if by taking them from his sight he could somehow prevent what he already knew was going to happen. As though he could change what had happened so he wouldn't fail this time. "Angel," he heard her whisper softly, as blood bubbled up over her lips. He swallowed, staring at her in something akin to shock. Even at death's door, when she had to know she wasn't going to live out the next few minutes, she still had faith that he would be there. Not him, he told himself. Angel. "Angel," she whispered again, reaching toward him. "Angel, hold me..." Xander flinched away for a half-second, then took a shaky breath and let her hand wrap itself around his own. "Buffy," he said, his voice barely more than a whisper. "Angel, I love you," she choked, her words more blood than breath. Xander stroked her hair, gathering her in his arms and pulling her close. "Shh," he soothed. "So cold," she whispered, pressing against him as best she could, so weak and draining so quickly Xander wondered at the fact that she was still even able to speak. "Shh," he said again, his hand stroking her hair gently, his arms holding her close. "I'll take you to a doctor, everything will be alright," he said softly. "Angel, don't leave me," Buffy breathed as he moved to lift her, blood gurgling eagerly over her lips, her skin becoming more and more pale as the seconds flew by all too quickly. "I won't," Xander said, "I'll never leave you, I'm here..." "I knew you wouldn't leave me," she whispered, "I...love you..." "I know," he said, his lips falling to brush her forehead, still warm. "I'm here." He held her for a long, silent moment before he realized she hadn't answered him. He swallowed, feeling tears welling up in his eyes and not making an effort this time to stop them. She was gone. He had failed again. Letting the dead girl's body slip from his arms, Xander sank to his knees in the grass, crumpling in on himself as tears streamed down his cheeks. Not caring, not even aware of what might be going on around him, not thinking of anything but the body before him and the woman he had failed, Xander did nothing to try to prevent the tears from falling. ~ Comments to KylenRevik@aol.com, please. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 13 May 1998 06:15:12 EDT From: KylenRevik Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Future Imperfect" -- Chapter Nine (1/2) This is part one of chapter nine. There are thirteen chapters in all. Please e-mail KylenRevik@aol.com with comments, questions, or requests for missing pieces. See prologue for all notes and disclaimers. ~ "Part Nine: Split Infinities" Place: Sunnydale Cemetery. Time: Split Infinities. Xander stared at the scene before him, mentally replaying what he had just witnessed as he moved forward to Buffy, the pile of ash that had fallen on her, and the stake that rested atop both. "Oh, God..." he whispered. "Buffy..." He lowered himself to his knees, moving to check Buffy's pulse. His fingers met with torn flesh and hot, wet blood. He swallowed sharply, feeling tears coming in his eyes. He had failed. He hadn't been here in time to stop her, and once he had seen her fighting Angelus he hadn't known how to stop the fight before she would die and things would fall apart, and he had missed his chance...this was so wrong, so very, very wrong, why hadn't he been able to stop it? How could he have _failed_? "Buffy," he whispered, "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." His eyes traced down her shirt to the pool of blood that was forming at her belly, the hilt of the knife Angelus had thrust deep within her flesh still sticking out. Xander shut his eyes and let his hands wander to the knife's handle, giving it a hard jerk. It came out with a sick sucking sound, and his stomach turned as more blood flowed over his hands. When he finally opened his eyes, his gaze was on her face. Beautiful, her features relaxed. Ever since he had met her, when Buffy had first transferred to Sunnydale, there had been a haunted look about her. She had been one pursued since before he had known her. Now there was nothing-- no fear, no apprehension. No sign of anything but peace. He leaned down and kissed her forehead gently. "I'm sorry," he whispered again, choking slightly on the words, wondering how he could have been such an idiot, how he could have possibly let her do this again. Cordelia had been right, he realized. He had failed. He had missed his chance and now he had to live with the knowledge that if he had tried a little harder, if he'd been able to break free of the stillness that had claimed him when he had realized they were already fighting, he would have been able to do something. *Buffy is dead. And it's my fault.* The thought, he knew, would be echoing in his mind for the rest of his life. Slowly, as slowly as he could, he stood and stared and then began to walk away from the body. By the time he neared the cemetery entrance, the one he had come through, he could barely make himself move at all, so great was the pain that echoed though his mind with every thought of her. Lying there. Bleeding. Dead. And someone was coming toward him. Xander swallowed quickly, wondering if Cordelia might have followed him, maybe she had decided he needed to be stopped. Maybe she had called the police after all. Maybe a million things. Maybe he was insane and seeing things and the entire night was a delusion and he would never know for sure. "Candle, guide ye the way for..." He glanced up at the voice, realizing immediately that it wasn't Cordelia's. His eyes began to search for the source of the voice, but when he saw it he could hardly believe his eyes. Buffy was making her way through the gates of the cemetery. He felt a strangled cry in his throat, not words, just a sort of disbelieving choke. But it was enough-- the Slayer glanced toward him. Though he wasn't sure if she could actually see him, here in the shadows, she was perfectly illuminated by the lights of the entrance, and he knew it was her. Not a hallucination, not a vision, not some sort of madness he would never be able to conquer. She was Buffy, and more remarkably...she was alive. He fought to speak, but his voice kept catching in his throat. She was moving again, toward where he had just left her body. Xander was almost too busy thinking about her, that she was alive and breathing and just twenty feet away from him, that he almost forgot that. When the image of her body sprang back into his mind, where he'd thought it had burned itself in, he gasped and managed a word: "Buffy!" She stopped walking, turning back to look in the direction he was calling from, and Xander somehow managed to stumble to her. He froze when he came within several feet of her, staring. She was...beautiful. No other word, no other way to put it. Simply beautiful. No longer was her skin stained red with blood, no longer was she struggling against some sort of ghostly, ghastly lover. The only clue Xander had as to how difficult the task of dissuading her from her chosen course of action was the grim look of determination in her eyes, the way her jaw was set hard, her teeth clenched so tightly. Not thinking, he reached out to touch her cheek-- but she took a step backward, staring. "You," she said. "You're the man I saw in the--" "I'm Xander," he broke in, his voice no more than a whisper. "Bu-- Buffy...it's me." She shook her head, moving to pass him by. He grabbed her arm. "Buffy, believe me, it's me. I don't know how or why, not really, only that--" "Let me go, buddy," she said, her voice carefully measured in that even, 'listen-to-me-or-I'll-make-sure-you-do' tone of voice. He had heard her use it before, so very long ago, but it had no effect on him. "Don't go," he said quietly. "Cordelia--" This froze her in mid-objection, and her voice fell from what he was sure was intended to be an angered command to a shocked whisper. "What about Cordie?" she asked. "She told me." Buffy's expression clouded over. "What are you, one of the other Watchers?!" She jerked away from him, yanking her arm from his hand. "God _damn_ it, I don't _care_ what you people say-- this whole deal sucked megatime since the _beginning_, and you will _not_ stop me from saving him!" Xander drew back slightly at the force of her voice and the emotions contained therein. He... "I never realized..." he whispered. "What," she snapped angrily. "That you people have messed up my entire _life_? That from the moment the word 'Slayer' was mentioned, I haven't done anything but lose people I care about and things I've loved?" Xander's jaw was hanging open slightly as he watched his friend slowly losing more and more of her grip on her emotions, as the tears began to form in the corners of Buffy's eyes and the desperation in her tone became more and more pronounced. He didn't respond to her words. He had no way to, no idea of what to say. "First I got kicked out of Hemery because of your damn _quest_. Then I moved here and lost all my friends _there_, then I had to cloister myself away somewhere where nobody but the people I trusted most in the world could get to me and half the time I couldn't let any of them in anyway and then I lost Angel and now that I'm on the verge of getting him back _you are not going to stop me_!" By the time she had finished, Buffy's voice had risen to a screaming pitch. Xander shook his head, whispered, "I'm not a watcher..." was all he could force out. "I don't care what you are. Who you are. I'm going to save him." "You _can't_!" Xander exclaimed, realizing she was moving toward the west monument again. "You don't understand, you'll die if you fight him." He had no way to convey the urgency in his feelings except through his tone, and it was obvious that wasn't going to cut it for Buffy. Not now, not when she was this close. Xander felt an inward shiver as he realized just how obsessed his friend had become with the idea of getting her Angel back. When he looked in her eyes, he could see a reflection of the same light he saw in his own eyes every morning since he had come back to Sunnydale, since the idea that he could get her back might be something halfway close to reality. For a brief moment, he wondered if it might even be _possible_ to convince her not to go back to fight Angelus again. If he might not be wasting his time. Then he remembered his words to Cordelia earlier, and realized it didn't matter either way, because he had to try no matter what. Even if fate had already decreed that the Slayer would die tonight, he had to do everything in his power to stop her. He had failed once already. He wasn't going to let it happen again. "Buffy, you can't. He'll kill you." "I don't care," she whispered, and Xander caught the reflection of moon and streetlight on the tear that trickled down her cheek before she turned and ran away from him. ~ More to come, comments to KylenRevik@aol.com. ------------------------------ End of buffyfic-digest V2 #184 ****************************** To subscribe to buffyfic or buffyfic-digest, send the command subscribe buffyfic-digest or subscribe buffy to majordomo@xmission.com. You will need to go through a confirmation process, and the listowners have to manually approve your subscription request, so it may take some time. To unsubscribe, send email to majordomo@xmission.com with unsubscribe buffyfic-digest or unsubscribe buffyfic in the body. Back issues of this digest can be found at: ftp://ftp.xmission.com/pub/lists/buffyfic/archive/ Dalton Spence has also provided an index of the buffyfic archive at: http://www.hwcn.org/~ag775/BUFFYFIC.HTM For help, contact Jill Kirby (jtkirby@mcs.com) or sah (romana@mindspring.com)