From: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com (buffyfic-digest) To: buffyfic-digest@lists.xmission.com Subject: buffyfic-digest V2 #192 Reply-To: $SENDER Sender: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Errors-To: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Precedence: bulk buffyfic-digest Saturday, May 16 1998 Volume 02 : Number 192 In this issue: BUFFYFIC: "Every New Beginning" -- (4/6) BUFFYFIC: "Every New Beginning" -- (5/6) BUFFYFIC: "Every New Beginning" -- (6/6) See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 16 May 1998 23:23:59 EDT From: KylenRevik Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Every New Beginning" -- (4/6) All disclaimers and notes can be found in part one. Comments to KylenRevik@aol.com, please. ~ "That little _skank_!" Harmony hissed. Cordelia bit her lip, shaking her head. "No, I mean, I didn't- - -" "She kissed your _boyfriend_?!" Kate yelped. "I didn't--" "What a total _bitch_," Ambrosia interjected, snapping her gum. "I mean, it's not like Xander's any kind of, you know, like, catch or anything, but _seriously_, that is just _so_ not something you do." Cordelia shook her head again. "It's not so much her that I'm mad at, though--" "But like, the little _whore_ was making a move on your _man_!" "Except he's the one who lied about it!" Cordelia snapped, cutting Harmony off before she had the chance to say anything more. The three other girls stared at her for a long moment in disbelief. Finally, Kate spoke. "Um, excuse _much_, but how do you, like, expect to get him back if you act like it's _his_ fault?" "Get him back?" Cordelia said, quietly. She'd had a handle on this once, she knew, this whole how-to-seduce-the-guy routine, but it was beginning to seem like dating Xander had gotten her completely out of the loop-- and now that she was officially Considering Breaking Up With The Loser, she had to get herself back up to speed. But this didn't feel as though it was quite right, from what Xander had said it wasn't as though Buffy had been trying to seduce him or anything, and-- "_Yes_, get him back!" Ambrosia yelped, jumping to her feet and moving around behind Cordelia to grab another diet soda. "I mean, face it, Cordelia, it's like, totally because you're, you know, not trying to keep hold of him that he's, like, straying, you know?" "Except I--" "And you've so _totally_ got to make an _effort_," Harmony added. "But--" "Cor_del_ia," Kate interrupted, "come _on_. Really, think about it, when did you start losing your grip on him, huh?" Without waiting for a response, the teeny bopper answered her own question. "When you started acting like you didn't _need_ to impress him." She glanced at Harmony. "I mean, did I not _completely_ call this one, or what?" "Yeah, like, totally," Harmony answered. Cordelia looked from one to the other, confused. "Call this one? What are you talking about? Called what?" "How long it would be before you realized just what hanging out with those total _losers_ was going to do to your ability to hold onto a guy," Kate elaborated. "I mean, face it Cordelia, he wanted you 'cause he thought you were a one-way ticket outta loserville, and if you're going to hang with that kind of person, you're gonna be, well, _not_ anymore, you know?" "So the second you started not being cool anymore," Ambrosia chimed in, "it was like, hello, his flight is bumped and you are _so_ not the first-class ticket he wanted anymore." "I'm still popular!" Cordelia protested, giving her two friends an injured look. "Sure you are, but like, not like you _used_ to be," Harmony said, as though she were breaking some huge piece of news. "I mean, you haven't even been paying attention to the _football team_ in like, ages!" "And hanging out in the _library_ all the time like that?" Kate scoffed, sounding disgusted. "Like, totally not where it's at, girl." "You've barely even _talked_ to us in the past month!" Harmony said. *Because you're all completely vapid and infantile!* Cordelia felt like screaming. She caught herself, though, barely in time, and sighed. Of course, they were most likely both right. Look at them. Sitting here smugly 'cause they both had boyfriends and she didn't, and it was their methods that had gotten her Xander in the first place, anyway. Well, that and the fact that he was so darn _cute_ sometimes. When he wasn't being a total rat-bastard. She sighed again, and squirmed slightly when she felt Harmony run a brush through her hair. "What're you do--" "First thing," Harmony informed her, "this ponytail thing has just completely got to _go_. It's like, so five minutes ago." Cordelia swallowed. "I thought you said my hair looked nice when it was up." "Yeah," Harmony said, "but have you like, not showered in six _hours_ or something? It so totally makes your hair look all greasy and like you don't even _wash_ it." She glanced at Ambrosia. "I'm right, right?" Ambrosia nodded sincerely. "Totally." Cordelia sighed. "Hey," Harmony said, "come on, this'll be, like, fun. We'll make you into a whole new Cordelia and you'll be just like you used to be, and you can like, totally not pay attention to that idiot loser." "Okay," Cordelia sighed as Harmony began fussing with a brush and some hair pins, knowing any sort of argument was going to be futile. Of course, there was a little, tiny problem, and one small thought of it managed to slip past the part of her that was in complete denial of the entire situation. *Xander didn't _like_ the old Cordelia.* But, she reminded herself, that was okay. Because neither the old Cordie nor the _new_ Cordie liked him, either. She sighed, wishing that was the truth. * "So, she still hasn't talked to you?" Xander looked up across the lunch table and shook his head. "Nope." Josh shot a sideways grin at Wendell, then looked back to Xander. "Guess that means you're going to the Spring Fling stag this year, huh?" Xander shrugged. "Looks like," he admitted. "Sucks," Wendell said. "You'll live." Xander sighed. "I guess." "Hey," Josh said, nodding toward the doorway to the cafeteria, "here comes the Queen of Sunnydale now." Xander glanced back over his shoulder, shaking his head. "I'm gonna book," he said. "Later, guys." He didn't let himself look at Cordelia as he walked out of the cafeteria. * "So then," Buffy said, her tone one of annoyance, "Harmony just _stepped_ on my shoe." She sighed, looking downward at the dirt stain that had been ground into her white keds. "They're new, too!" "Well," Willow offered, "maybe, you know, the whole grunge thing will come back into fashion?" She smiled weakly, then shook her head at the look of incredulousness that Buffy gave her. "Or not," she admitted. "Why'd she do it?" she asked. "Who _knows_," Buffy said. "Probably PMS or something. Maybe daddy didn't buy her the right shade of lavender bathing suit." Willow giggled, then shook her head. "Cordelia might know...if you guys are currently, you know, speaking." "We're not," Buffy said with a sigh. "Apparently. I saw her this morning and it was like I wasn't even there." "Same here," Willow said with a nod. She pulled the door open as they walked into the building, holding it open while Buffy walked through, then they continued on their way. "I mean," she said quietly, "is it just me, or has she gotten completely antisocial?" "Cordelia? Not antisocial, just not social with _us_ for some reason. "Yeah, that too," Willow said. There was a long silence as the two contemplated, then Buffy spoke. "Oooh!" "What?" Willow asked, her eyes widening. "What's up?" "I just remembered!" Buffy exclaimed, a look of horror coming over her features. "_What_?" Willow pressed. She didn't know what she should expect. End of the world? Apocalypse now? Or later tonight? "The dance!" Buffy shrieked. "I completely forgot about the dance!" "Dance?" "Spring Fling!" Buffy shook her head. "Oh my _god_, Willow, I don't even have a dress, and I'm sure you don't, either, and this-- " She broke off, suddenly going quiet. "And?" Willow asked, her tone almost a hopeful one. Buffy was right, she hadn't given a moment's thought to the upcoming dance. And she was enjoying hearing Buffy get so excited about something, for once in a very long time. But her friend shook her head, and Willow sighed, realizing this wasn't one of those times she was going to be able to push for an answer. "I've got to go," Buffy said quietly. "Talk to Giles." Willow looked at her, concerned. "You okay?" she asked. Buffy nodded, though it was obvious from the way she'd cut herself off a few seconds earlier that the opposite was true. But before Willow could say anything more, Buffy had turned and walked down the hall, too briskly to leave any doubt as to whether or not she wanted to be followed. * "It's Angel," Buffy sighed. "Last year, he saved my life right by the Spring Fling." She shook her head. "And this year, he's been trying to take it." "Exactly." She looked up at her Watcher. "And now this whole mess with Xander and Cordie...have you talked to Cordelia today?" "She hasn't, hasn't stopped by," Giles replied. "Has something happened that I should be aware of?" "They broke up," Buffy said. "Xander told Willow. She told me." She sighed. "Cordelia dumped him." "He told her?" Buffy shrugged. "I don't know the details," she admitted. "Only that I don't like them." She sighed. "So," Giles said. "I've seen the signs about school, for this, this dance, and I-- I assume you're going to, to want the night off?" "I guess," Buffy said with a slight smile. "If you're sure I won't have to patrol." "I haven't seen anything about an increase in vampire activity yet," Giles said with a smile. "I think you can have one night." "Wow," Buffy said, casting her annoyance aside. "Generous mood, huh?" Giles smiled a little. "Apparently so," he replied. "Well, thanks," Buffy said with a smile, "'cause I think I could use one night where I don't have to think about stuff." Then she hopped off the table and walked out of the library, leaving Giles to wonder at the sudden change in her demeanor. ~ Comments to KylenRevik@aol.com, please. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 16 May 1998 23:31:49 EDT From: KylenRevik Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Every New Beginning" -- (5/6) See part one for disclaimers and notes. Comments to KylenRevik@aol.com. ~ The DJ was spinning disks in the absence of a live band, and the Bronze was afire with activity-- especially that of the dance- floor variety. It seemed like everything was bright, cheerful, fun. Just what the Fling was supposed to be. Except that, well, Xander wasn't having a hell of a lot of fun. Here he was, dressed in decent jeans and a nice t-shirt, hanging out with Conner and Josh and Wendell. All of whom seemed to have this thing for drooling over everything female that walked past them. Not that drooling couldn't be nice, but Xander just wasn't in the _mood_ for the whole gratuitous-saliva thing. Not when he'd seen Cordie walk in an hour ago with her entourage-- which he'd thought she'd dumped long ago-- and a bunch of football jocks. Sure, she looked like she was just about as miserable as he was, but what did that say? Nothing at all, just that she was probably doing the whole pity thing for whichever one of the jocks was hers. He sighed as Conner poked him in the arm. "Hey," he said, "so why are you hanging with us losers tonight instead of the scooby squad?" "Scooby which?" he asked. "Summers and Rosenburg," Conner said. Wendell and Josh exchanged amused looks, then Josh looked over to Conner. "You mean to say you didn't know the whole _reason_ as to why he's here with the chick patrol, instead of the chicks themselves?" "'Cause he cheated on Cordelia," Wendell piped up, and Xander felt his cheeks growing bright red with a mix of embarrassment and shame. "With Buffy herself." "Whoa," Conner said, his eyes going wide. "Impressive, Xander." "Not really," Xander said, shaking his head slightly. But they had a point. What was he doing here, hanging around with guys who he was technically friends with but had little in common with, when his real friends were across the room? His eyes drifted over the crowd to where Buffy and Willow were sitting. With Oz, of course, since the Dingoes weren't playing tonight. "Good point, though," he murmured, standing. "Where's he going?" he heard Josh asking. But he didn't bother stopping to answer. * "On second thought," Cordelia said as she saw Xander making his way toward the table where Buffy and Willow were seated with Oz, "maybe we should just stay here." "I think I like that idea better," Greg said with a nod, turning her back toward the table, where Cordelia let her eyes fall to the table instead of meeting with the eyes of her three so- called friends. She looked gorgeous tonight, that was for sure. And that was mostly because they'd taken four hours helping her get ready. In the short time she'd spent away from "the group", Cordelia was slowly realizing her fashion sense had deteriorated more than she'd thought possible. No matter, she told herself, 'cause she was gonna kick some serious man-ass tonight as far as hooking up went. So far, the plan was working. She'd managed to stake a claim on Greg, who was a football player, and who had seemed moderately interested in her earlier. Who, surprisingly, still seemed slightly interested, despite the way she'd been carrying on all night. "So," Kate said, "you know, it was like, totally--" She giggled as her escort shoved half a sandwich in his mouth, and it was all Cordelia could do to keep from rolling her eyes. "You know," she sighed, "I feel like dancing." Greg looked over at her, then back to the chicken wings he'd been eyeing. "But I thought--" "Come on," Cordelia snapped, grabbing him by the arm and yanking him toward the dance floor. *Damn you, Xander,* she thought as Greg stepped on her foot accidentally, *I'm gonna enjoy myself if I have to sprain my _ankle_ to do it!* * "She looks like she's having a decently good time," Xander said to Willow, being careful not to make eye contact with Buffy as he spoke. "Yeah," Willow said, "I guess, well, she sort of does." "She did look like she was having fun like that when she and I were going out, right?" "Um, yes," Willow said. Then she glanced at Buffy. "Didn't she?" When Xander gave her a _look_, Willow's brow furrowed in a defensive expression. "Well, I was, you know, busy! I didn't pay attention!" Next to her, Oz grinned, patting her shoulder lightly, making Willow relax at his very touch. She smiled over at him, weakly, then glanced back to Xander. "Sorry," she offered weakly. "S'okay," Xander said with a sigh. "I mean, hey, you know, all I wanted to know was whether or not I was worth anything as a boyfriend." "Well I wouldn't know that, now would I?" Willow replied. Behind her and over Xander's shoulder, Buffy and Oz shared a grin before the other two noticed the volume at which they were speaking. Then Buffy tapped Xander on the shoulder, but she was unprepared for the way the young man jumped when her finger made contact. "Chill," she told him. "Just, you know, lower the decibel level before you broadcast it to the creepies." "Creepies?" Xander smiled slightly. "So that's what they're calling themselves these days?" "No, that's what _I'm_ calling them, because it's true and they are. "Well," Xander said, "what if they're not? What if it's just our perception of vampires that make them seem as though they're possibly something resembling creepy, when in reality it's us that are the strange ones and if we had a little more of an open mind about things like what's different, we'd realize that?" "Um..." Buffy managed, just staring at him. "Are you feeling okay?" "Yes," he replied. His gaze moved around the table, taking each of them in turn. "I'm absolutely fine. Just 'cause a guy makes a stupid mistake that screws up one of the best relationships he's ever had-- hell, it's really the only _relationship_ I've ever had, but what does that mean? Does it mean I'm automatically not okay? 'Cause I am, okay, though maybe not automatically. I can see a situation where somebody might _not_ be okay with something like this and you know what?" The other three looked at him, shaking their heads slightly. "I have only just realized in about the last two seconds, how completely not fine I must be with this entire situation if I'm sitting here and rambling to you guys about this instead of, you know, doing something about it out in the real world where it might be vaguely possible for something about anything I've said here to make any kind of difference whatsoever." He sighed, then shook his head and stood. "Excuse me, while I go make an ass of myself," he told them all, not making real eye contact with any of the three. ~ Comments to KylenRevik@aol.com, please. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 16 May 1998 23:35:39 EDT From: KylenRevik Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Every New Beginning" -- (6/6) See part one for notes and disclaimers. COmments to KylenRevik@aol.com, please. ~ For a moment, Buffy, Willow, and Oz watched motionlessly as Xander moved toward where Cordelia and her Amazing Hulk were doing something that might have been called dancing, somewhere else. Then Oz rose from his stool. "Back in a few," he said, leaning to kiss Willow on the cheek. Then he straightened and went off in the same direction Xander had vanished to. "Xander!" he called, spotting the other teen's head bobbing among the crowd. "Man," he said, taking Xander by the arm and guiding him toward the other end of the room, _away_ from Cordelia and her date, "we have got to _talk_." Xander's brow creased. "Talk?" He shook his head. "What is there to talk about? I see no room for discussion here, get out of my way, this is the time for _groveling_!" Oz nearly took a step back, surprised, then he shook his head. "What're you gonna do, just go--" "I don't know, but I'm thinking something to do with knees and being on them and begging for forgiveness might do the trick." Xander shook his head. "Then again, maybe I should forget that and just go for the direct approach. Cordie, I love you, I was an idiot, forgive me?" Oz shook his head. "Nah. Be cool about it," he said. "Cool." Xander nearly laughed in his face, Oz could tell the other was having a hell of a time keeping the chuckle down. "Yeah, sure, right. Keep cool, easy for you to say, you're not the one who turned around and kissed one of her friends, are you." Oz sighed, shaking his head. Willow had clued him in as to the situation, but from the way she had described it, he had expected Xander to be far more...well, not uncaring, but he certainly hadn't been expecting for the guy to be this upset over how things between he and his girlfriend were going. Then again, Oz himself had never held that high of an opinion of Cordelia, not since she'd dated Devon. Any chick who was into that sort of thing, well, he pretty much figured she was looking for less than standard fare as far as faithful boyfriends went. And given the fact that he now had his own girlfriend, Oz supposed that perhaps his earlier views had been just ever-so-slightly unfair. Maybe, possibly. Either way. He looked at Xander. "So," he said, "since you're not gonna play it cool, then, what's left?" Xander bit his lip. "Good question," he said. Then he shook his head and sighed. "I dunno...I'll think of something." He sighed. "Thanks, though. For stopping me from making an even bigger idiot out of myself than I already have." Oz smiled slightly, not quite sure of what he'd done to help, but willing to take the credit anyway. "Uh, yeah, okay," he replied, and gave Xander a reassuring wave as the other teen walked away. * "So, you know, you think you could do me that favor?" Xander asked, biting his lip and looking at the DJ. The DJ, from one of the local stations Xander never listened to because he was too busy being a Slayerette to have much time for music, nodded. "Yeah," he said. "Sounds like you're in it deep, though." "Past deep," Xander said with a slight, ironic smile. "So far past deep it's like I've entered a whole new level of deepness. And my friend, that is not a good place to be." The DJ nodded with a smile. "Sure," he said. Then he raised an eyebrow. "You ever think about going into radio?" he asked. Xander raised an eyebrow. "Not really, no, how come?" he asked. "'Cause you've got a good voice," the DJ said. "Sincere sounding." He shrugged. "Anyway, yeah, I'll play your song." Xander smiled. "Thanks." Then he turned around and walked away, hanging back by the walls so as not to let Cordelia see him before it was time. * "And this one," the DJ's voice came over the speakers, "is from a guy who's hurt the woman he loves a lot, and he wants her to know he's sorry. He cares about her more than he knows how to say, and wishes there were some way he could take back what he's done. Since that's impossible, right now he's just hoping she'll be able to find it in her heart to forgive him." Cordelia frowned as the opening strains of that song she and Xander had heard in the car the other day came over the Bronze's speakers, feeling a sharp twist in her gut. Stupid song, and he'd had to go and make up some stupid soliloquy about how meaningful it was. Well, it didn't mean anything at all. "Hey, Cordie?" Greg said, snapping his fingers in front of her eyes. "Hm?" she asked. "You paying any attention to me at all?" he asked. There was a moment's pause, then she nodded. "Yeah!" she said, feigning enthusiasm. Somehow, the words didn't come across as well as they had ages ago, back in that lifetime when she'd been Cordelia the Queen of Sunnydale High, Cordelia the Popular Girl. Cordelia-with-no-real-friends. Cordelia-without-Xander. //Closing time Open all the doors and let you out into the world Closing time Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl.// She swallowed, hard. "Greg," she said quietly, "I'm gonna go, um, freshen up, okay?" Without waiting for an answer, she pushed herself away from the table and started to move toward the ladies' room in the far back corner. *God damn you, Xander,* she thought, *you stupid, self-indulging, pain in the ass of a--* "Cordelia?" She looked up as someone took her by the arms to keep her from crashing into them, and felt the blood draining from her face as she fought to keep back tears. "Xan-- Xander?" He just stared at her for a moment, his eyes moving quickly over her features, and she let her eyes drop back to the floor. "Excuse me," she said quietly, doing her best to keep her voice even. "I need to--" "I need to talk to you," he said, his voice almost level. She heard him take a deep breath, then felt his hand tilting her chin up so she was looking him in the eye. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "Xand--" "Cordelia," he broke in, "I know the last thing in the world you want to do right now is probably to forgive me for what I did, and I honestly wish there were some way I could convince you, what happened with me and Buffy, it was practically nothing. You know, things just sort of happened, and they won't happen again 'cause part of the reason they happened this time was that I never thought they'd happen in the first place." He shook his head, letting her chin go, and this time she didn't look back to the ground. "And, well, I just...please. Give me one more chance." Then he fell silent, just watching her. Waiting for some sort of reaction on her part. And try as she might, Cordelia couldn't find the words to give one to him. She couldn't believe how badly she was hurting inside, how raw she'd been for the past few days. How every time she'd seen Xander in the hallways at school, she'd wanted nothing more than to be able to walk over and throw her arms around him, curl up close and tight against him, and then when she'd done that, haul off and hit him so hard he wouldn't wake up until he had graduated Sunnydale High. She'd been so hurt, so upset. And she hadn't had anyone to talk to about it because she hadn't been able to face Buffy or Willow, and her other "friends" were so shallow they wouldn't know what she was talking about if she mentioned the words "emotional pain". To them, pain was something you got when you didn't stretch before your personal trainer set you up on the step-master. Looking at him, it was all Cordelia could do not to cry and scream and shove him away. It was also all she could do not to collapse against him and tell him all was forgiven, that it always would be, so long as he still wanted her back. She swallowed hard as the song looped into the refrain. //I know who I want to take me home I know who I want to take me home I know who I want to take me home, Take me home.// As the music faded into an instrumental section, she swallowed, then took a short breath. She took a step closer to him, not speaking, taking his hands in hers and moving them so that one rested on her hip, and the other was around the small of her back. Then, without making eye contact with him, she moved her own arms around his neck and leaned up against him as the song moved into the final few lines. //Closing time, Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.// THE END Copyright 1998 Rachel Brody *Lyrics belong to Semisonic, from the song "Closing Time" off the CD "Feeling Strangely Fine". 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