From: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com (buffyfic-digest) To: buffyfic-digest@lists.xmission.com Subject: buffyfic-digest V2 #206 Reply-To: $SENDER Sender: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Errors-To: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Precedence: bulk buffyfic-digest Wednesday, May 27 1998 Volume 02 : Number 206 In this issue: BUFFYFIC: OT: Tonight's ep? Re: BUFFYFIC: OT: Tonight's ep? BUFFYFIC: Admin: Majordomo Problems Re: BUFFYFIC: OT: Tonight's ep? BUFFYFIC: Chronicles (13/?) BUFFYFIC: Repercussions, (4/10) by Andrea BUFFYFIC: Repercussions, (5/10) by Andrea See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 26 May 1998 19:17:56 EDT From: KylenRevik Subject: BUFFYFIC: OT: Tonight's ep? Deathly sorry to clutter boxes, I'm *reallyreallysorry*, but I just read in the paper the descripts of the two eps for tonight-- which were as follows: "8 PM -- BtVS, Wereworlf" 9 PM -- BtVS, Torment" Now I'm guessing the first one is Phases, but I can't think that I'd classify BBB as "torment", so I can't figure out what the second one might be. I had been thinking it might be a two parter repeat, but apparently not, so I'd honestlyreally appreciate it if somebody could mail me back before 8 PM est if they know what episodes will be aired this week, because I was planning on taping them but if I've already got them then I won't bother with it. Anyway, thank you, and I am *so* sorry to be posting this here but I don't know where else to go for help. Love y'all, Rachel ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 26 May 1998 20:58:52 -0400 From: nothoney@olg.com (slb) Subject: Re: BUFFYFIC: OT: Tonight's ep? At 07:17 PM 5/26/98 -0400, KylenRevik wrote: >Deathly sorry to clutter boxes, I'm *reallyreallysorry*, but I just read in >the paper the descripts of the two eps for tonight-- which were as follows: >"8 PM -- BtVS, Wereworlf" >9 PM -- BtVS, Torment" It's "Passion." My most humble apologies for this OT post, oh Listmoms of Incredible Beauty and Wisdom . Sheryl NotHoney@olg.com Slayerette~Ravenette~Discoverer~BBFC "The truth is, I like this world. You've got dog racing. Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people, walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here." Spike, BTVS Moo: A Fan Fiction Zine http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Cafe/3063 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 26 May 1998 20:16:33 -0500 (CDT) From: Jill Kirby Subject: BUFFYFIC: Admin: Majordomo Problems Just so y'all know... If you're trying to uns*b from any of the Xmission Buffy lists, be prepared for a long delay before your request goes through. The Xmission majordomo is apparently not feeling very well, and things are taking a very long time to go through. I'm also seeing some double posting, which is probably another glitch of the server. Please be patient. :) Thanks. Jill Jill Kirby ~~ jtkirby@mcs.com ~~ www.geocities.com/SoHo/Lofts/4107 NatPack ~~ ABotCoS ~~ NP4 ~~ Dreamer/Minstrel Conform, go crazy, or become a writer. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 26 May 1998 20:58:52 -0400 From: nothoney@olg.com (slb) Subject: Re: BUFFYFIC: OT: Tonight's ep? At 07:17 PM 5/26/98 -0400, KylenRevik wrote: >Deathly sorry to clutter boxes, I'm *reallyreallysorry*, but I just read in >the paper the descripts of the two eps for tonight-- which were as follows: >"8 PM -- BtVS, Wereworlf" >9 PM -- BtVS, Torment" It's "Passion." My most humble apologies for this OT post, oh Listmoms of Incredible Beauty and Wisdom . Sheryl NotHoney@olg.com Slayerette~Ravenette~Discoverer~BBFC "The truth is, I like this world. You've got dog racing. Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people, walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here." Spike, BTVS Moo: A Fan Fiction Zine http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Cafe/3063 ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 27 May 1998 00:40:26 -0700 From: taygeta@juno.com (Charity C. T.) Subject: BUFFYFIC: Chronicles (13/?) Name: The Chronicles of the White Knight #13 The Course of Fate Author: Taygeta Address: taygeta@juno.com Feedback: Please! Uses in anything: Sure, but tell me first. Spoiler: Not really, might have mentioned a past episode. Disclaimer: The Buffy characters portrayed in this story and any other references to Buffy the Vampire Slayer are the property of its creator Joss Whedon, and its owners Mutant Enemy productions, Kuzui Productions, Sanddollar Productions, and 20th Century Fox. Rating: PG *************************** The Chronicles of the White Knight #13 The Course of Fate By: Taygeta The hushed voices of her students mingled with the clacking of keyboard keys and the loud printing of paper. Willow stopped typing long enough to glance over at her students to make sure that not too much talking was going on. Before turning back to her computer, she was able to pick up the words, Buffy and Xander, from the various conversations scattered around the room. Not since word of Xander and Cordelia going out had spread across the school, and the fact that it was he that broke up with her, did such a commotion arise from the students. Willow had to admit that although she hadn't reacted like most students, the news that her best friends were dating had surprised her just as much. Initially, she hadn't been very happy when such information reached her. It wasn't as if she had been longing for him because she didn't and hadn't for awhile, it was just that when he and Cordy broke up the idea that *they* might have been possible lingered in her mind. Although, Oz made all the lingering go away to the extent that she no longer thought, let alone want, such ideas, they all came back, momentarily, when Buffy told her about them. She had wanted to talk to her about something else, but as it occurred, Buffy's news came first, and it made her feel that what she had to say would not help matters much at all… … "Willow," the slayer said as she tapped her best friend's shoulder to gain her attention, "Hey." "Oh…Buffy…I was just looking for you," the redhead replied with a grin as she turned around to see the familiar face, "I have to tell you something." "Um…so do I," she said and then chewing on her lower lip, she looked around the campus and continued, "Why don't we sit down?" They walked towards a nearby bench and sat in silence for awhile, before Willow finally said, "Why don't you go ahead? You look like it's pretty good news." "I'd like to think it is," she said with a smile as she fiddled with a pen in her hand, "I'm not sure how to tell you this, Will, um… but…uh…Xander and I are going out." Willow blinked in surprised and found herself rendered speechless, "Uh…um…God, Buffy…uh…um… that's…wonderful." "Really?" she said with raised eyebrows, "Cause well, y'know…I was kind of worried that since you used to…" "That was a long time ago, Buffy," she replied with a weak smile, "And you two are my best friends, and if you guys are happy, then I'm happy for you. Besides, he's a great guy…when he's not…" She smiled and breathed a sigh of relief, "No need to explain…I know all too well the mind and mannerisms of Alexander 'Xander' Harris." "I just hope you do," Willow joked and this time she really smiled, as she got over her shock, and was beginning to see that perhaps, they're dating wasn't that bad of an idea, after all. Still, she couldn't help but recall the last time Buffy had met with such feelings, "But what about Angel?" "What about him?" she replied with a sad, half-hearted shrug, "I mean, of course I loved him, but…I don't know…it just doesn't seem real to me anymore…now that he's gone. Maybe things happen for a reason, Will, maybe all of these things were meant to be…like I was destined to be the slayer." "So, does that mean that you think you and Xander are foretold?" her friend couldn't help but point out. Buffy smiled slightly, "Well, I don't know about that…did destiny bring us together? Sure, things happened that brought us closer, but whether it was through the hands of fate…that's kind of hard to say. All I know is what I'm feeling for Xander right now…it's different from all the crushes, relationships, and flings I've had in the past. This is not some weak-in-the-knees, I'm-falling-apart concept were talking about here. It's more than that…it's like every time he holds me, kisses me…even when he just talks to me I get this wonderful feeling that never really goes away. I even get that way when I'm just thinking about him. I mean, at first I had to say to myself that I was crazy and this was Xander…my friend, but later, it just made me think about him more, and the more I thought…the more I felt, and the felt…the more I…" As her obviously fallen friend trailed off, Willow said, "I know what you mean Buffy, you don't have to bother explaining it to me…it's all right. I better go…I have to get my lesson plans ready for tomorrow." "Wait…what was it that you wanted to tell me?" Buffy asked when she stood up to leave, but she met upon another pause from her friend. "Y'know, never mind…it's not important right now," she said while shaking her head with a nervous smile… …Never had Willow felt more surprise than in those ten minutes of conversation. Her mind had been full of contemplation about Xander, Buffy, Xander and Buffy as a couple, and than the thought of almost telling her about- RING! RING! She jerked when she heard the bell ringing loudly and stood up, "Class, make sure that you finish your spreadsheet by Friday and I'll need it on disk, as well as, a printed copy." A few groans could be heard from her pupils, but she just gave them a smile and a look that made them laugh. As she saved her document and shut down her computer, she looked up to see that Xander had walked into the room. "Hey," he said with a grin as he walked towards her, "Is the teach too busy to talk to an old friend?" "Hi, Xander," Willow said as she turned off her monitor and sat down in her chair, "What's up?" "Just the usual," he replied casually, but despite his breezy tone, a broad grin lay apparent on his face. "Oh…I don't know about that," she retorted eyeing him carefully as she stood up from her chair and walked towards him, "I've been hearing some pretty interesting things about your usual. So…how's all of this seeming for you?" "God, Willow, it feels like…like …oh, I don't know…like I'm walking on air," Xander said with a sigh, "As if I'm on top of the world and nothing can bring me down. I wake up, I think of her and go to sleep, and I think of her. I mean, I did that before, but all that time in between waking and sleeping and dreaming that's all I was doing…thinking…dreaming. But now when I wake up and smile because she's on my mind, that smile doesn't fade, Willow, because for some miraculous, wonderful, phenomenal reason…she loves me." Her smiled widened at his happiness, "I'm sure she does…and I'm happy for you, Xander…both of you." When she walked back to her desk and continued to clean up, he turned and said, "Aren't you going to lunch?" "Yeah…in a few minutes," she replied as she placed a stack of papers into her backpack, "You go on ahead, and I'll meet you, Buffy, and Oz, there." When he left, closing the door behind him, Willow sat down taking in the silence of the empty room. She sighed as she thought about her friends' descriptions on how they felt for each other…as if they were at a lost for words for it all. She understood. It was often like that between her and Oz and she hoped that nothing was going to ruin what her friends had. Her eyes fell to her cloth handbag and she lifted it up from the desk drawer as she bit her lower lip. She opened it carefully and pulled out the object that was plaguing her constantly. She sat there, just staring at it, and wondered what were the hands of fate doing now to them. Were they going to further deplete their lives of love and replace it with sorrow and pain as they had done so in the past? She didn't know what path destiny was to take them, all she knew was no matter how much she didn't want to…now matter what problems it might lead to…she had to show Buffy this…this yellow disk. _____________________________________________________________________ You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866] ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 27 May 1998 05:36:35 PDT From: "Andrea Newbery" Subject: BUFFYFIC: Repercussions, (4/10) by Andrea disclaimers in part one. Sunnydale High School Library August 19, 1998 Xander picked up the phone on the seventh ring. Silently praying that they had found her he cautiously said hello. A range of emotions played across his face as he listened to the caller. Worry, relief and guilt played out in his eyes. Covering the phone he mouthed to Cordelia that they had found Buffy. He listened to the caller for a few minutes more and then hung up. He just stood there, not speaking until Cordelia motioned for him to talk. "Giles. They found her. In a graveyard, slaying. They took her to the motel. She's sleeping now. Giles said she was so filthy, she didn't seem like herself at all. But that once the got her to stop screaming and took her to the motel she seemed more herself. Giles feels hopeful that seeing them will bring the world in focus to her once more." "Well, that's good. Right? I mean Buffy will be fine. She can deal with this." "Are you sure?" "Yes. She will be okay. Everything will be fine. Just give it some time." "No. No time. We have to do the spell now. Before they get back." "What? Why? They can help us. We shouldn't mess with this on our own." "What if it doesn't work? Buffy comes back, we tell her we found a way to rescue Angel from hell, but we fail. Even more torture for her. We can't risk it." "Xander, we can't risk =doing= it. It's too dangerous." "I'll say it's dangerous." A new voice entered the conversation. Xander and Cordelia spun around, Cordelia grabbing a cross from the table. A small man stood there wearing a hat. "And you are?" Cordelia was at her very haughtiest. "Whistler. I'm here to help." "No thanks. We're fine." Turning his back on the newcomer Xander picked up a book from the table. "Really? You've done this spell before? Opened a door to Hell and gone through it? Brought someone back? Do it often?" "How?" Spinning back around Xander stared at the man. "How do you know what we're planning?" "I figured someone would be doing it eventually. I thought it would be Buffy who would figure it out. But, well I guess sending Angel into hell was harder on her than we expected it to be." "WHO, or should I say, WHAT are you? Who is we?" Xander had moved so he was standing directly in front of Whistler, shielding Cordelia from him with his body. "I'm a demon. But not a bad one. I guess you could say I was Angel's mentor. I trained him so he could help the slayer." "You mean Angel being here wasn't a coincidence?" Cordelia questioned him. "No. Not exactly. Buffy found out so late about her destiny. She wasn't trained like other slayers were. We sent Angel in to level out the playing field. While she got caught up." Whistler wandered around the room while he spoke. "Who exactly did you think Angel was getting all his inside information from...vampires?" "Actually, yes." Xander seemed somewhat stunned by the news that Angel had a purpose. "No, we were his source. We were trying to help him keep Buffy alive long enough for her to come into her own. Which she has." "So, Angel was her guardian Angel." Cordelia spoke with only the faintest hint of sarcasm. "Technically, yes. So, why do you want to get him out?" Xander and Cordelia looked at each other for a moment then Cordelia spoke. "Cause Xander didn't tell Buffy Willow was trying to re-curse Angel and now Angel's in hell, Buffy's crazy, and Xander feels bad." "Gee, thanks Cordy." Xander spit out but didn't contradict her words. Whistler stared at Xander for a moment, shook his head and picked up the book containing the spell. Looking it over for a few minutes, then speaking. "That's rough. You were working good odds though. Tough luck you got the worst possible outcome." "Huh?" "Well, Angel dies before the curse, no one knows or cares. Or Angel is re-cursed before he awakens Acothla. No vortex into hell and everyone is more forgiving. It all worked out and so on. Unluckily for you, Buffy had to send Angel to hell after he got his soul. I'm not sure that telling her would have changed the outcome but I can pretty much guarantee she won't see it that way. So, now you look like the betrayer." "I did it because I was afraid she wouldn't kill him. You know, if she thought there was any way her Angel could return." "Well, looks like you were wrong. Ouch. She is going to be pretty ticked at you. I don't blame you for wanting to go to hell." "How do you know that's what happened anyway?" Cordelia spoke up, trying to defend her boyfriend. "I've been talking to Angel." "Oh. You've been to hell. Great. Here's a thought, why don't you just bring him back then?" "Can't. Rules. A human has to rescue him." "And that human is me. So how can you help?" Xander's face had hardened, he was determined to make this okay for Buffy. "Don't you need someone to be bound to? A link to this dimension? That would be me. I may not look strong, but keep in mind I'm a demon. I'll make sure you don't get stuck. Things have gotten messed up enough without you being trapped in hell." "Things? Messed up? What is going on? Some sort of Demon plan for the future?" "Cordelia." Xander's voice was warning her to be quiet. "No, it's okay. Let me just say this. There is more at stake than just getting Angel out of hell. We need him." Whistler's face was deadly serious. "Why?" "Look, there's no time. Why don't you two just go home and get some rest. We'll meet here tomorrow. No, wait, we'll meet at Angel's apartment. Tomorrow at 6:00 pm. I'll have everything ready." "Fine." Xander responded, "But, this goes against my better judgement." "I'd say that's a promising sign then." "Great. Another sarcastic demon. What's with you guys?" "It's not that I'm not mesmerized by your witty observations on demon nature, but you had better go home and prepare. Hell is =not= a pretty place and it's going to be hard to convince Angel to come back with you. He's sunk so far into recrimination and self-torture. He thinks he deserves to rot in hell." "Doesn't he?" The words slipped out before Xander could hold them back. "No. He doesn't." Whistler spoke in clipped tones. "Look Xander, let me spell this out to you. In simple terms you may be able to understand. Angel lost his soul when he was made a vampire. Then he got it back when he was cursed the first time. He lost it again when, well you know when. Now he has it back again. Are you noticing a pattern? Angel doesn't kill ever. The demon kills, Angel doesn't. Do you get it? Did Angel ever kill anyone before he lost his soul this time? Huh? No, he didn't. In fact, time and time again he risked his existence to save you guys. He wouldn't hurt Buffy or any of you for any reason. You'd better think this through tonight. See if you can figure out the difference between Angel and the demon that wears his face. You head into hell thinking Angel deserves his fate, well, then we'll be lucky if we even get you out." Turning quickly, Whistler disappeared through the door. Cordelia and Xander stood there for a moment, silently letting Whistler's words wash over them. Xander reached out and grabbed her hand. Together they left the library. Heading home to prepare for the day ahead. ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 27 May 1998 14:10:33 PDT From: "Andrea Newbery" Subject: BUFFYFIC: Repercussions, (5/10) by Andrea disclaimers in part one. Willow's motel room August 19, 1998 Willow watched Buffy sleep. She felt a little better that at least Buffy looked like Buffy again. Her hair was clean and her face washed. She couldn't sleep, she just watched, waiting for her to wake. Praying that things would be okay. Hearing a knock at the door she smiled. She knew they wouldn't be able to sleep either. Letting them in she put her finger to her mouth to signal them to be quiet. Giles pulled a chair next to Buffy's bed and sat down. Oz climbed into Willow's bed beside her, grabbing her hand. Willow's mind was racing, how would she explain what she had done to Buffy. She had restored Angel's soul and forced Buffy to go through this torture. How could you apologize for that. They sat through the night, not speaking, just watching. Buffy woke just after midnight, screaming for Angel. She didn't realize where she was or who was with her. She just sobbed for Angel. She curled up into a little ball and rocked back and forth for what felt like hours to the three watching her. When Buffy slept calmly they all relaxed somewhat, Giles and Oz both drifted off to sleep. Willow had just closed her eyes and started to doze when she heard someone stir. Opening her eyes she saw Buffy sitting up in bed. Pulling herself up to a sitting position she watched her, waiting for her to speak. "I knew you would come. I knew the whole time I was writing the truth to you. I needed to have you guys with me, but I couldn't come home." Willow just smiled at her, afraid to say anything, not knowing anything to say except sorry. And she wasn't bringing Angel up, Buffy would have to do that. Buffy looked at Oz sleeping next to Willow and then at Giles asleep in the chair. She smiled sadly at them. "Where's Xander?" "With Cordelia, watching things." Swallowing her anger towards Xander she smiled brightly at her. "Good." Buffy sounded relieved, "I couldn't bear to hear him say that Angel deserved what I did. Or how he had always hated him. Did you hate him Willow?" "No. Buffy, before Angel lost his soul I really liked him, I trusted him. Buffy...I'm so sorry for what I did. That I forced you to kill Angel. I mean =good= Angel." She looked at Buffy, her eyes pleading for forgiveness. "No apology needed. You tried to save him. I will be forever grateful that you tried to give me that. And, if the spell had kicked in soon enough Angel would never have pulled the sword. I just wasn't fast enough." Willow watched Buffy, her stomach sinking at how calm Buffy was being. She had felt more hope when Buffy was screaming. At least then she seemed alive. Now she just seemed to trot out the correct phrases, but her eyes were frightening. They were frozen, no emotion shone through. She felt panicky, she had to make sure she said the right thing to her. "Angel wouldn't agree with you. He would tell you that it was okay. He would have felt horrible about what the demon did while he was gone." "Willow...he didn't know. He didn't remember. When I stabbed him...he...he had no idea why. His face, he was so shocked. I sent him to Hell. How do I live with that?" Buffy looked to Willow, her mask shattering. The tears streaming down her face, her eyes pleading with Willow to fix it. "You had no choice. The whole world would have gone to Hell. There were no other options." This was Buffy talking now. If she could just share what had happened, realize it wasn't her fault. Willow looked over to Giles, silently praying for him to wake up. "Then. I had options before. I wish I had known you were trying the spell again. I know there was no way I could have. It's just...Willow, oh god. I let him pull the sword. Well, not exactly let. I just waited, thinking when I had no choice it would be easier to kill him. See?" "Buffy, you didn't know. You did the right thing. Don't second guess yourself now." Willow climbed over into bed beside Buffy, silently vowing to make Xander pay. "You didn't know. We can't know everything." Buffy's breath caught on a sob, "That's what I said to Angel, before we slept together. That's how I justified what we were doing. I destroyed him twice Willow. First I took his soul, then when he got it back I sent him to hell." "Buffy. Listen to me. You cannot blame yourself. You did the best you could. You always do the best you can. It is =all= anyone could expect. Angel wouldn't want you to feel bad about what you did." "I know. Angel would want to take all the responsibility for what happened. He would have wanted me to kill him as soon as he lost his soul. Another failure." "Buffy, you're only 17. We all make mistakes, I do, Xander does... even Giles does." You did everything you did out of love." "Right, and Ms. Calendar died because of my love., I destroyed Giles life because I couldn't do the right thing. And, how's this for irony, when I can do the right thing I do it to the wrong one. Willow, I really don't think I can deal with this." "Yes. You can." Giles''s voice, strong and sure. "You saved the world. Angel would be proud of you." "ANGEL IS IN HELL." Buffy's eyes were taking on the wild look they had held earlier in the graveyard. Willow held her breath, waiting. "Buffy," Faltering at the pain in her voice Giles continued, "What happened?" "I sent him to hell. Sentenced him to worse torture than even he could come up with." "No. I mean how did you find out how to stop Acathla?" "Oh... some demon in your apartment. Whistler. He's a good demon or something. He said this was supposed to be Angel's big day, but with the..well...with Angel losing his soul things had gotten messed up. Thanks to me again." "Buffy." Giles voice held a warning for her to stop blaming herself. "Right, okay so I told the demon, Whistler guy to fix it himself and took off to try and find you. That's when I almost got arrested and Spike saved me." "SPIKE? As in William the bloody?" Giles voice was incredulous. "I know. Turns out Angel had stolen Dru from him and he wanted to help me kill Angel so he could get Dru back. Giles, I never could have succeeded without him. Never. I let him go, him and Dru. That was the deal I made. I went back to your apartment, Whistler told me that Angel's blood would open the vortex and also close it. So, I got the sword and went to kill Angel at daybreak. You know the rest. Xander saved you Giles. I fought Angel. Well, actually I fought the other vampires while Spike beat on Angel. I ignored what was happening with Spike and Angel. Half hoping Spike would kill him so I wouldn't be forced to. Half hoping Angel would pull the sword so I would have no choice left. Isn't that pathetic? I need my demonic ex-boyfriend to open a vortex to hell before I could kill him?" Her voice cracking again, Buffy's eyes wildly roamed the room. "Don't." Giles spoke with conviction, "You and Angel shared something special. I understand how hard it would be to let go of the hope that he would come back." "Giles...he killed Jenny and I still faltered." "Angel didn't kill Jenny. The demon did. I understand Buffy. It is not your fault. It happened and you have to let it go." Buffy reached over and grabbing on to Giles, she held him tightly as she sobbed. Giles felt the tears streaming down his face as he realized the truth in his words. It just happened. In their lives horrible things would always happen. They all had to accept this so that they could do what they were meant to do. Buffy eventually sat back on the bed, her face calmer from the tears. She took a deep breath and began again. "The end. Well, Angel pulled the sword. We had a good old-fashioned sword fight." Buffy spoke in a monotone, trying to remove herself from the horror she felt. "He collapsed, his eyes glowed for a second and then he looked at me. I knew it was different immediately, but I wasn't sure why. He spoke, asked me where we were. Giles, he didn't remember any of it. He was so confused. We hugged, kissed and I saw the demon's mouth opening. And I knew. It was to late. I had no options left. So I kissed him, told him I loved him, got to hear him tell me one last time. Then...then I told him to close his eyes and I ran the sword through him. Willow...he was so shocked. He reached out for me, his eyes asking why. He whispered my name and I just stood there. I didn't say anything. I just watched him go." She stopped, kneading the bedspread with her fingers.Her whole demeanor was collapsed, beaten. She seemed so tiny sitting in the bed, so helpless. They were all silent, each trying to figure out how to make this easier for her to handle. Oz cleared his throat and spoke for the first time. "The way I see it, and admittedly I was out of the loop for most of it, is that the guy I met at your surprise party, he really loved you. Then the next night, he's helping that Judge guy attempt a superkill at the mall. So, I'm thinking, these are two distinct guys with one body. Right?" "Close enough." "Well, I kinda got the 'two distinct personalities thing' also. And the bad one is totally not under my control. Now, what I get from you is that your boyfriend had the same problem. Even down to the fact that he had no memory of what he had done. So, again, similar. My point being, if I ever got loose and tried to kill someone or worse, did, I would never blame Willow if she couldn't kill me. If I had to deal with the guilt of having killed that would be my responsibility, never hers. On the other hand if she killed me, to stop me, I would go to my grave still loving her. No blame. Ever. If she did or she didn't, the ultimate responsibility is mine. I'm not saying Angel is responsible for what he did, it's just that by virtue of what he is, the possibility exists. If he decided to exist, he understood the risk." "Oz is right Buffy, he would never hold you to blame. You held onto hope and love. You held onto it until hope was gone. Angel would understand that. He obviously held onto hope or he would never have loved you." "Thanks Oz, Willow. I believe he wouldn't blame me. It's just that...he's in hell. His soul doesn't deserve hell. I wish I could go back in time and try harder to keep him from pulling the sword. Willow, quick question, and I am not blaming you, why did you tell Xander to tell me to kick Angel's ass if you were going to try the curse again? Nevermind, you probably didn't tell him because of how much he hated Angel. Sorry. What happened to Angel is my fault, everyone else did the best they could." "Breakfast." Giles broke in, trying to make sure she didn't continue in her present line of thought. "Let's order some room service." Willow and Oz jumped up and started moving around the room. Trying to focus Buffy's mind on other things. They all felt really hopeful after talking to her this morning and didn't want Xander's actions to send her backwards. "Xander will be proud of me at least." Buffy spoke off hand as she got up from the bed, "I mean, he doubted I could kill Angel when he had no soul. And I killed the Angel that I loved." Laughing bitterly she went into the bathroom. The all looked at each other fearing what would happen when they finally told her. No matter if Xander's reason's were pure or not, he was definitely going to be in for some hard times when Buffy found out he had known. ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ End of buffyfic-digest V2 #206 ****************************** To subscribe to buffyfic or buffyfic-digest, send the command subscribe buffyfic-digest or subscribe buffy to majordomo@xmission.com. You will need to go through a confirmation process, and the listowners have to manually approve your subscription request, so it may take some time. To unsubscribe, send email to majordomo@xmission.com with unsubscribe buffyfic-digest or unsubscribe buffyfic in the body. Back issues of this digest can be found at: ftp://ftp.xmission.com/pub/lists/buffyfic/archive/ Dalton Spence has also provided an index of the buffyfic archive at: http://www.hwcn.org/~ag775/BUFFYFIC.HTM For help, contact Jill Kirby (jtkirby@mcs.com) or sah (romana@mindspring.com)