From: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com (buffyfic-digest) To: buffyfic-digest@lists.xmission.com Subject: buffyfic-digest V2 #256 Reply-To: $SENDER Sender: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Errors-To: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Precedence: bulk buffyfic-digest Friday, July 3 1998 Volume 02 : Number 256 In this issue: BUFFYFIC: The Key (1/1) BUFFYFIC: Walking In Fear, Looking (1/1) BUFFYFIC: Chronicles (19/?) BUFFYFIC: Somewhere I Have Never Traveled (1/1) BUFFYFIC: A Light in the Darkness 1/1 by Dreamscape205 See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 20:53:42 EDT From: Subject: BUFFYFIC: The Key (1/1) Title: The Key (1/1) Author: Nastassia Email Addy: Teknopgan@aol.com (Everybody who has my stuff archived, my email addy has changed. It's no longer GothGirl77@aol.com) Rating: PG-13 for language Spoiler: This is pre-Becoming so I'd say probably I Only Have Eyes For You Feedback: Please please please! Distribution: Maybe if you ask nicely. Disclaimer: Spike, Drusilla, and Angelus belong to Joss. The song "Circle" belongs to Sarah McLachlan. I'll give them back once I'm done playing. Summary: Spike reflects on how screwed up his relationship with Dru is. This is the first story in a Post-Becoming series I'm writing. Thanks a million to Rachel who sort of forced me to get my butt in gear and actually write, and then boosted my ego big time by actually liking it! Love ya, Rach! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ The Key (1/1) by Nastassia ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ There are two of us talking in circles And one of us who wants to leave She's with him again. MY Dru is out hunting with Angelus for the third night this week. He's the one she's turning to now, poor old crippled Spike doesn't cut it anymore. Maybe if I tell her- No. No, if I tell Dru I lose whatever tiny advantage I have. "Bloody hell," I growled, "Do I mean so fucking little to her?" In a world created for only us An empty cage that has no key I hate this mansion. The warehouse was fine. I actually liked the warehouse, but not this place. Before Angelus was a guest in MY home. Now, I'm a guest in his. I stalked through the indoor garden towards the door to the outside. My foot connected with the side of that damned wheelchair and sent it rolling. I pushed the door open and inhaled the cool night air. It was quiet, a rarity in Sunnydale, and the night was still. Good. I continued down the street, slipping unseen through the graveyard. "Last thing I need is for Angelus to see me." I briefly considered going to that club the Slayer's always at, but decided against it. All I wanted right now was to be alone. So I went to Angel's old apartment. He hasn't been there since the change and there's no chance in hell that the Slayer will show up. I sat down on the edge of Angel's bed, idly noting the thick coat of dust that covered everything. I had a choice to make, and it had to be made tonight. Do I stay or not? Don't you know we're working with flesh and blood Carving out of jealousy Did you want to make me jealous that much, pet? Is your precious Angel worth it? Is a century long relationship so cheap that you'll throw it away for the guy who drove you crazy, then abandoned you? She wasn't always like this. I hate myself for feeling this way, but I wish things were back the way they were when Dru was still sick. She needed me then. She needed me to tell her everything would be all right, that I wouldn't let anyone hurt her. She loved me then, and I loved her. Everything was so easy before we decided to visit old Sunnyhell. My Dark Queen was happy. Whether we were in Prague or Spain or London we were happy. Life was an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet and we were always hungry. I wish we'd never heard of the Hellmouth or this godforsaken town. Dru was weak, but she didn't care. She was happy with her dolls, her dolls and me. Dru didn't give a damn about Angel then. He didn't occupy her every thought, no matter how insane, like he does now. My Dru is gone. She's his Dru now. Crawling into each other it's smothering Every little part of me God, I can't believe how fucking pathetic I sound. What happened to William the Bloody? Dru has me as whipped as Angel's pet Slayer had him. But I don't care. Dru was everything to me, and now she treats me like we barely know each other, and Angelus uses every oportunity he has to rub it in my face that Drusilla is his now. The bastard doesn't even really care about her. She was just an obsession of his. His real passion is for the Slayer. Not that I can blame him for that, she's a hell of a lot better looking then the last Slayer, and smarter too. I actually enjoy fighting her. Buffy has real skill and intelligence, and being around someone who isn't insane is nice once in awhile. Christ, now I'm getting sentimental over the bloody Slayer! This is just wrong, but I bet Buffy wouldn't cheat on Angel. She's not the type, but, lucky me, Dru is. What kind of love is this that keeps me hanging on Despite everything it's doing to me What is this love that keeps me coming back for more When it will only end in misery I don't even really know why I stay with Dru. Probably because she's all I know. We've been together for a century, and now I don't know how to live my life without her. Drusilla's like a drug to me, and I don't know if I can handle the withdrawl. Knowing my luck lately it would kill me. I know too many people unhappy In a life from which they'd love to flee I despise what my life has become. Instead of Dru's lover I'm her faithful dog. No matter how much she kicks me around I always come back for more. Too blind and too stupid to know to run away. Darla would laugh in my face if she saw me now. At least with her there were never any false pretenses of love and loyalty. If she saw me now she'd tell me I was weak and pathetic, and, the truth is, she'd be right. Watching others get everything offered They're wanton for discovery I wonder why I even bother trying to get Dru back, but I know the answer to that question at least. I love her. It's as simple as that. I love her, and I don't know how I could go on living without her. So I'll crawl back to that mansion like the faithful, stupid dog I seem to be turning into and watch as Angelus continues to steal the only thing that matters to me. At least for another day. Oh my brother my sister my mother You're loosing your identity I don't know who I am anymore, but I hardly care. In a few days I'll seize my chance and wipe that smirk off Angelus' face for good. I'm going to make him pay for this. I don't give a damn if I die trying, but I will teach Angelus that I'm not someone to fuck with. Can't you see that it's you in the window Shining with intensity I'll rip his heart out and give it to Dru, since she seemed to like the one he gave her for Valentine's Day so much. Let her have the heart of her precious Angel. What kind of love is this that keeps me hanging on Despite everything it's doing to me What is this love that keeps me coming back for more When it will only end in misery... I know it probably won't end that way, but I have to try. Because, God curse me... ...I love her. *END* Questions, comments, flaming stakes, or leather trenchcoats can be sent to me at Teknopgan@aol.com ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 20:56:12 EDT From: Subject: BUFFYFIC: Walking In Fear, Looking (1/1) Title: Walking In Fear, Looking (1/1)---Poem Author: Nastassia Email Addy: Teknopgan@aol.com Rating: PG Spoiler: Suprise & Innocence Feedback: Don't make me beg! Distribution: If you ask nicely. Disclaimer: Buffy and Angel/Angelus belong to Joss. Summary: It's a poem, not a novel. You'll figure it out when you read it. - --------------------- For our creative writing exam we were given several topics that we had to write poems on. This was my favorite. This is the first of five BtVS related poems I wrote. (Too bad my teacher's never seen the show. I might have gotten extra credit......) ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Walking In Fear, Looking (1/1) by Nastassia ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* He's here I can feel it No more safety I lost it all Because of one night He's watching me Again He wants to make me pay For making him feel human I see him now And feel the familiar rush I always did Until now I remind myself this is not him The man I love is here "Hello lover" No more Questions, comments, flaming stakes, or A+ exams can be sent to Teknopgan@aol.com ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 19:27:04 -0700 From: taygeta@juno.com (Charity C. T.) Subject: BUFFYFIC: Chronicles (19/?) TITLE: Chronicles of the White Knight #19 I'll Stand By You AUTHOR: Taygeta E-MAIL: taygeta@juno.com FEEDBACK: Please with a cherry on top! DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just tell me first. RATING: PG KEYWORDS: Buffy/Xander fanfic DISCLAIMER: The characters any such reference to Buffy the Vampire Slayer television series belong to their creator, Joss Whedon, and their owners, Mutant Enemy productions, Kuzui Productions, Sanddollar Productions, and 20th Century Fox. In other words, they do not belong to me. Copyright infringement not intended. ***************************** Chronicles of the White Knight #19 I'll Stand By You By: Taygeta "According to this list…" Willow began to read from a printed handout in her hand. Oz frowned as he noticed Xander walking out of the library doors and so he automatically glanced at Buffy. She looked up at Xander quickly, chewing on her lower lip, and then her eyes fell dejectedly to the floor. Despite what his girlfriend had said about Xander agreeing to the curse, he was beginning to think otherwise, and as he looked at Buffy, he was wondering if she was doing the same. With a sigh, he stood up and approached Willow who had stopped reading for a moment while Giles went into the office to get an Orb of Thesula, which he had been using for a paperweight. He tapped her shoulder and moved his head in the direction that the other male slayerette had gone. She smiled warmly, squeezed the hand that rested on her shoulder, and nodded before she started again to read the list, "And besides that we need…" The door slammed loudly behind him and he saw Xander leaning on a wall of the empty school hallway, "Hey." Xander looked up and gave him a half-smile, "Hey, what are you doing out here?" "Funny…was just about to ask you the same thing," Oz replied as he approached him and leaned against the opposite wall, "I'm guessin' you're not with this whole curse thing." "Ya think?" he replied sardonically, "Look, I appreciate the effort of my best bud's guy to give me a pep talk, but I'd rather not." "Look Xander, I may not be the world's expert on girls…well…me and every other guy on this planet, but I'm thinkin' it would be in your best interest to go and have a talk with Buffy," he said. "I know you told her that you were okay with this, but you're obviously not, and as far as I can tell, you're only going along with this because you don't want to hurt her." "Of course I don't want to hurt her, Oz…she's…she's…" he said and paused before continuing softly, "she's everything to me, and I don't…I don't…" "No need to elaborate, I know the feeling," he said with a grin as he thought about Willow, "but you can't go along in life not expressing what you think is right…I mean, think of how I would look if I went about satisfying the status quo? No nail polish that's for sure. I'm not saying that if you tell her how you feel it's going to change her mind about anything, but at least she'll *know, * y'know?" "Um…Oz…Willow wants you…for something," Buffy said as the door closed behind her and she approached them. Her eyes fixed totally on Xander's face, although she was talking to Oz. "Sure," he said and very little conversation occurred until they were sure he was in the library. "I…uh…heard what you and Oz were talking about," she said, "I - I thought you were okay with all of this…I mean, I know you don't want this, but you said…" Xander took a deep breath, "I know what I said and I am okay with this…sort of. Angel and I, let's just say that we've exchanged very little words - wouldn't even amount to one conversation - over the time he was hanging with us. But in those words, we found out how much both of us…loved you, and in finding that out…we hated each other even more when we didn't say anything at all. Then when he turned to the other side, that hate grew with every time he attacked us…and whenever he hurt you…he hurt me. I don't want to give Angelus a reward for killing Miss Calendar…I don't want to give him a new lease on life for doing what he did to us. Angel died…Buffy…long before we even knew him…that was his death. If you ask me, he's had plenty of chances at life, and knowing you…having the chance to love you…having the chance for you to love him back… was probably the best of all. I know…I can relate, and maybe that's what I'm afraid of…maybe in the back of my mind…and somewhere in this mortal heart of mine…that's what I'm afraid of. That maybe if he found so much in you, then you might have found a lot in him …more than you'll ever find in me… just Xander, class clown extraordinare." She looked into his eyes and blinked in surprised and sighed, "How can you possibly think that? You and Angel are…different. I could never in my life compare you two. I have to say, though, that he's very special to me, still, and maybe I still love him…just not the way I did before. But you…you're not *just* Xander…you're more than that - more than you can possibly imagine - to me. I love you." He had to smile, no matter how many times those words came from her, he could not believe that they were for him. "And I love you, but beyond that, no matter how strongly I feel about you, there's this part of me that doesn't know whether I'm going to be able to handle it…having Angel back, standing there and watching while you give him back his soul- " "Xander…what are you - " she began as her eyes looked at him worriedly. He smiled and the expression faded with each of his words, "But there's a stronger part of me still that will do anything to make you happy, anything to see you smile. I understand Buffy, and even if I didn't…I'll still stand by you." ******************* End of Part 19. Feedback?! _____________________________________________________________________ You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866] ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 22:40:01 -0600 From: "Christina" Subject: BUFFYFIC: Somewhere I Have Never Traveled (1/1) This story is already archived on the Sunnydale Slayers Site, at http://www.enteract.com/~perridox/SunS, but I never got around to posting it to the list --- and now that the 'zine in which it appears has been published for over a month, I thought I'd send it out. If you want a copy of the Sunnydale Slayers 'zine, contact Maureen ( mwynn@umich.edu ) for ordering information. Feedback would be appreciated at kikimariposa@prodigy.net ; distribution is free as long as the author's name is attached. A Giles & Jenny story, set after "Passion". No violence, some angst. The characters and Sunnydale belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions, Kuzui Productions, Sanddollar Productions, and 20th Century Fox. Thanks to Dianne for the title, Perri, Lizbet and Abby for editing, and Maureen for publishing it. Somewhere I Have Never Traveled (1/1) by Christina Kamnikar copyright 1998 I have an Orb of Thesulah now, as well as the final translation of the ritual of Restoration. The stone is smooth and slick in my hands, much lighter than it looks, and cool. You would expect it to be warm with the bright glow that's trapped inside--- but this Stone isn't lit by any mundane fire. This flame is something special. I could give Angel his soul back at any time. I don't want to, though. The police aren't filing charges; they said that there was enough evidence of another person's involvement at the crime scene that I'm not a suspect. Something to be grateful for, except that Angelus wasn't trying to frame me for murder. If that had been the point, I would be in a holding cell in the County jail waiting for a public defender to arrive. He just wanted to hurt, and he did that. He did that very well. I can't think about finding... the body. I can't. I dream it, I dream of leaving the school, finding the rose on the door... entering the house... then walking into the bedroom, full of hopefulness and love, only to see what Angelus had left instead. When I'm awake, my mind protects me from remembering too much, and as soon as I start to go back to that moment, my attention veers somewhere else. So every time I dream it, it's like the first time again. It isn't any kind of mercy.... Sometimes I dream it's me on that bed, instead. Those are the dreams I can stand to remember. Trying to kill Angelus the way I did was a mistake. I'm not sure I was completely sane when I went to the factory; if I had been, I would have been more careful. I would have set fires at all the exits, then thrown the Molotov cocktail into the main area, and waited for the vampires to try to escape before shooting them with the crossbow, instead of taking the direct approach. That would have been smarter than trying to incinerate him by hand. But I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to see him, to make him bleed, to kill him myself---or maybe I _was_ hoping he'd kill me. Praying I wouldn't have to go on alone again.... I'm glad Buffy showed up when she did. I'd far rather see Angelus dead than give him the satisfaction of killing me, after all. And the only safety we'll ever know now will be after his death. Restoring his soul is out of the question. I don't hold a grudge against Angel. I'm still sad and sorry that he's gone. But calling him back to life wouldn't be any favor, after what the demon wearing his body has done. If Angel came back now, and had to face the results of Angelus's actions, I'm not sure he could live with it. He isn't responsible, and he deserves his peace. I won't force him to return. And I'm not sure Buffy would want him back, either. She's getting reckless in her hunting; Willow and Xander and Cordelia and Oz are taking turns on patrol with her, afraid of what she'll do if she's left alone. She won't go hunting with me.... She's taking this very, very hard, blaming herself, grieving in a way that's becoming more and more self-destructive. I wish I could say I don't blame her at all. Most of me doesn't, and doesn't hate anyone except Angelus. But there's a sliver of my heart that does hate her for not killing him sooner. The same tiny shard that wonders what I could have done to stop it, if there was some way I could have known what Angelus had planned.... If I had been the one to buy the first Orb of Thesulah, Angelus would have gone after me. He couldn't stand even the barest hint that his soul could be restored. It was that threat that must have inspired him to move from stalking to murder. It should have been me. I have another, better plan, in place of the one we had before. I only need one thing: a vessel. An undamaged body to hold the spirit I've summoned to the Orb. I can wait. I won't cause anyone else's death in order to obtain what I need. But I am going to do this; Thesulah Stones are difficult enough to find that I'm not going to waste one on Angel. If it works, we can do it again. Or not. Something we'll decide later. After. It's a selfish choice, I admit. The Clan won't get it. They prefer revenge to restitution. But I think Buffy will understand. And I'm not going to make her choose between Rupert and Angel, that's all there is to it. She needs Giles more. A Slayer without a Watcher is a terribly vulnerable human being--- and if I can do this, if I can bring Giles back, it will almost make up for losing Angel. I would do it anyway, though. I'm not letting Angelus win this one. I want Giles, damnit. I'm not going to lose him like this. Not after all we've been through.... The light in the orb glows as if it understands me when I speak to it, saying: "Soon, Rupert. Soon." * somewhere I have never Traveled, gladly beyond any experience, your eyes have their silence; in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me, on which I cannot touch because they are too near. - e.e.cummings * Chris Kiki Chaos }|{ kikimariposa@prodigy.com ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 04 Jul 1998 00:47:15 -0400 From: dreamscape Subject: BUFFYFIC: A Light in the Darkness 1/1 by Dreamscape205 Title: A Light in the Darkness 1/1 Author: Dreamscape205 angelus@mediaone.net Distribution: Please ask first Feedback: always Type: TB Spoiler: Becoming 1/2 WML2 Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Joss, the WB, etc. No infringements intended **************** She had been back in Sunnydale for almost a week. Coming home was the most difficult thing she had ever done in her life, but she knew she was needed at home for more than vampire slayage. Facing the nightmare she left behind would be arduous, however she had to think about her family and friends. And even if her mom did tell her she could never come back if she left the house that fateful night, Buffy knew she needed her. As she walked aimlessly through the town, she recalled the conversation they had the day she arrived back in town. "Mom," Buffy said quietly as she entered the kitchen and saw her mother busy at the counter chopping vegetables. Joyce dropped the knife she was holding onto the countertop and turned slowly in the direction of the voice she knew she had to be imagining. "Buffy! Is it really you? Please tell me I'm not just seeing things," she pleaded as the tears that threatened overcame her. She opened her arms wide to welcome her daughter. Buffy smiled wide as she ran into her mother's arms, "Promise...it's really me." They hugged each other close until Joyce said, "Sweetheart... uh...honey...I can't breathe." Buffy pulled away and they both laughed together. "Sorry, mom, sometimes I don't know my own strength," she said sheepishly. "Well let me take a look at you," Joyce told her daughter as she slowly circled the girl. "You've lost weight. Have you been eating? Are you okay?" she asked with concern. "Yeah, I'm okay. Really." She lied. She wasn't okay. She would never come to terms with the fact that she destroyed the man she loved. But to make things easier on those around her, she had decided to put on a facade of happiness. They talked for endless hours about where Buffy had gone, what she had been up to, and how much they missed and loved each other. All in all, she was glad to be home. Glad to see her mom and her friends. Joyce had called Giles during the afternoon and invited him and the Scooby gang over for dinner to celebrate her return. She spent the next few days resting and visiting with her friends. They were more of a comfort to her than she realized they would be and her love for them grew with each passing moment. Reality beckoned for her to return to the present and the Slayer found herself walking down an empty street and was startled when she realized where she had been headed without knowing what her destination was. She stared at the remnants of the church for what seemed forever. "He almost perished in that church," she thought to herself as she began walking again. Walking up to the rubble, she was amazed to see that the altar still stood, undamaged by the flames that devastated the rest of the building. Finding a path to the altar, she approached it hesitantly. Reaching into the pocket of her jeans, she pulled out the beautiful cross pendant she received from Angel. Tears filled her eyes as she clutched it to her bosom and looked Heavenward. Falling to her knees, she brought the cross up to her forehead and leaned forward, her head laid upon the foot of the altar. She sobbed uncontrollably for a few minutes, her tears staining what carpet remained after the fire. Her tears spent for the time being, she looked towards the Heaven. Remaining on her knees, once again she clutched the pendant to her chest. She had no idea what she was doing at this place, but somehow it seemed appropriate. "God," she began, "hi...um...it's me...Buffy. I know I haven't been the best and most faithful person I can be, but I don't know who else to talk to. Since you know what has been happening, I won't have to spell it all out for you. The long and short of it is that I'm asking for your help. You're the only one who can. It's Angel...you know...I sent him to hell. I know it had to be done...to save the world. And, yes, I know he's done some horrible things, but not when his soul was controlling the demon." She paused, bowing her head, then looked upward again. The tears had arrived again, but silently spilled from her eyes and slid down her cheeks. Speaking through them, she continued, "I know I have no right to ask anything from you, but I have to. I love Angel. And he didn't deserve the hand that was dealt him. His soul is good, he is good. You know what he's done for me...for all of us. He had no control over the curse...he didn't know. If he did, I know he never would have risked losing his soul, not even for the chance to make love with me. Please, you have to help him. I would gladly give my life for him, and I offer it to you without hesitation. PLEASE!" she cried as she broke down again and laid on the ground, hugging her knees to her chest. She didn't know how long she laid like that when she felt something touch her shoulder. She sat up and looked around, but saw nothing around her. "Now I'm imagining things," she spoke aloud to herself. "Not at all," said a voice from behind her. When she turned to look, all that was visible was a strange, glowing light. "What the...." Out from the light stepped a figure that Buffy could not make out, but it slowly came into focus as the light diminished. As the light faded, the voice said to them, "Love each other, that's all I ask of you." And the light was gone, leaving two figures alone in the church. One figured stood looking down upon the other that was sitting at the foot of the altar. The figure that stood in front of Buffy reached out a hand to help her stand. Speechless, Buffy accepted the hand and slowly stood. When they stood face to face, she threw her arms around him, holding him close, "Oh, my Angel...how I have missed you." He pulled her from him and gazed into her beautiful eyes, "sshhh, my darling. We have a lifetime for words..." as he lowered his head to hers and briefly kissed her lips. "I love you," he whispered, as his lips covered hers again... ------------------------------ End of buffyfic-digest V2 #256 ****************************** To subscribe to buffyfic or buffyfic-digest, send the command subscribe buffyfic-digest or subscribe buffy to majordomo@xmission.com. You will need to go through a confirmation process, and the listowners have to manually approve your subscription request, so it may take some time. To unsubscribe, send email to majordomo@xmission.com with unsubscribe buffyfic-digest or unsubscribe buffyfic in the body. Back issues of this digest can be found at: ftp://ftp.xmission.com/pub/lists/buffyfic/archive/ Dalton Spence has also provided an index of the buffyfic archive at: http://www.hwcn.org/~ag775/BUFFYFIC.HTM For help, contact Jill Kirby (jtkirby@mcs.com) or sah (romana@mindspring.com)