From: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com (buffyfic-digest) To: buffyfic-digest@lists.xmission.com Subject: buffyfic-digest V3 #13 Reply-To: $SENDER Sender: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Errors-To: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Precedence: bulk buffyfic-digest Tuesday, January 12 1999 Volume 03 : Number 013 In this issue: BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (2/18) BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (3/18) See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1999 17:50:12 PST From: "Andrea Newbery" Subject: BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (2/18) Title: Best Intentions Author: Andrea e-mail: anewbery@hotmail.com disclaimer: These characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, the WB, etc. They are not mine. spoilers: Everything up to the end of season two. distribution: Sure, just let me know. rating: Not sure. I'll say PG-13 for now. summary: Xander/Cordelia. This fic is set in the same timeline as Christine’s amazing story, ‘The Wildest Times in the World’ although technically this story takes place before that one. If you haven’t read it, e-mail me and I’ll send it to you although you can read this story even if you haven’t read hers. Feedback: Please. Good, bad, anything. Thanks to Christine, for writing the story that started this, and for helping me when I got stuck and for thinking up the title. Wow, and there’s still more I could thank you for. :) Sunnydale High School Prom May 28, 1999 "Cordy...wow. I mean wow." Xander repeated himself for the fiftieth time since he had first seen her at the door. Slipping his arm over her shoulder he pulled her closer to him and for a short moment Cordelia could swear that everyone else disappeared. Laying her head on his shoulder as he kissed her forehead she had no doubts that she had made the right choice when she had given up everything to be with him. Smiling to herself she realized that she had gotten so much more than Xander in return. She had real friends, who, although they had a shaky start, actually liked her for her. She stole a glance at Willow who was gazing adoringly at Oz, and then her eyes were dragged, almost unwillingly to Buffy. It was still hard sometimes to forget how much Xander had once loved the beautiful Slayer, hard for her to believe him when he said that he was no longer in love with her. Cordelia stared at her friend, noticing the tightness in Buffy's jawline, the slight darkness under her eyes that no amount of make-up could hide. Mostly she noticed the pain that hid just under the surface of every expression on Buffy's face. Looking away from Buffy, she lifted her head to kiss Xander's neck, thankful that no one would ever ask her to give him up. She still marveled at Buffy's strength, to send Angel away for Giles. She closed her eyes, offering up a silent prayer that Buffy would find someone who could help her through the pain the Slayer was still struggling with. "Well Cordelia, you seem very cozy with your freak friends." "Harmony. You look....cheap." Xander tossed back, without moving his arm from around Cordelia. "Excuse me, but I was talking to Cordelia." Harmony spoke coldly; her eyes fastened on Cordelia's face. "What do you want?" Cordelia's voice was guarded. She had taught Harmony every trick of belittling she had ever known, and Harmony was very good at practicing on her former mentor. "I just wanted to suggest...to spare you the embarrassment...that maybe you should take your name out of the running for prom queen." Harmony had the grace to look slightly uncomfortable while speaking, but behind her discomfort Cordelia could also see her enjoyment at causing pain. Relieved, Cordelia smiled broadly at her, thankful once again for the escape she had made from being exactly like Harmony. "I'll take my chances." Turning her face away from Harmony she began talking with Willow and Buffy, dismissing Harmony. Her once friend had stood there for a moment, and Cordelia could feel the anger radiating from her. Cordelia let a small bit of satisfaction run through her, what good was having all the skills of a bitch if you never used them. Harmony should have remembered who taught her to be the bitch she was now. A tiny light shone in her eyes for a moment as Harmony stalked away, her head flung high into the air. "Why do you want to be prom queen anyway Cordelia?" Willow's voice held no judgment, only curiosity as she leaned against Oz. Cordelia looked at her, surprised at the question, and even more surprised that she couldn't think of an answer. She had just dreamed of being prom queen for so long that she had never stopped to think of why she had wanted it in the first place. Leaning closer to Xander, a puzzled expression on her face, she thought back to the first time she had ever heard of the prom queen. She had been six years old and looking through photo albums with her mother. They had come to a picture, obviously formally done, of her mother and father at their prom, the crowns shining on their heads. They had looked so wonderful to Cordelia and she had pestered her mother about the crowns until her mother had spun the whole night into a wonderful fairy tale for her. Her mother had told her it was one of the happiest nights of her life, dancing with the man she would later marry. Cordelia had dreamt of it ever since, knowing that on the night of the prom she would be crowned queen and her future husband would rule beside her. She grinned, feeling silly over her fantasy now, but unable to stop wanting to stand on the stage with Xander by her side. Almost as if she could be crowned with him, then they would be protected from the danger of their life, and get to be together forever. Noticing that Willow was still waiting patiently for an answer, and that the rest of the table had become silent, Cordelia chuckled softly before speaking. " I don't. Not like you think. I mean..." Cordelia broke off, staring at the people who had become so important to her. Gripping Xander's hand tightly she continued speaking. "I mean, after I fell for the geek here." Cordelia grinned at Xander, removing any sting from her words. "Nothing that was important to me before means much anymore." At Buffy's mocking grin Cordelia flushed then smiled knowingly. "Well, I do still think important to look your best. And I'll never be able to say that I adore Xander's taste in clothes, but he's got other assets that more than make up for his horrible fashion choices." "I protest your unfairness. Look at me, I'm perfect." Xander said, his hands running over his tuxedo. Cordelia took a moment to look at him, enjoying how good he looked. "For tonight, I'll have to agree. But to get back to Willow's question. I'm still in the running cause it makes Harmony mad." Xander grinned as he kissed her forehead. "That's my girlfriend, mean, mean, mean." "I don't know." Buffy spoke thoughtfully; her sad eyes fastened on Cordelia. "She's got way more heart than I ever dreamed of." Cordelia smiled quickly at Buffy before ducking her head so that the Slayer wouldn't see the tears in her eyes. Of course Buffy wouldn't believe the easy answer, she had seen too much in her short life to ever take anything at face value. Cordelia looked up into Buffy's eyes again; knowing the other girl wouldn't push for the truth. The look in Buffy's eyes still made her stomach feel hollow. The pain Buffy couldn't erase even when she was trying with everything she had to seem happy. Cordelia wondered if she would ever look at Buffy again without being reminded of the night a soaking wet Buffy had shown up outside the window of her car after she had said her good-byes to Angel. The sobbing wreck who had sat shaking in the back of her car as Cordelia had driven Xander home before he let any of his venom towards Angel show. Then she had quickly called Willow, stopping to pick the Hacker up before taking Buffy to her house. They had let Buffy talk all night, letting her mourn for the man she loved. The man she had given up for her Watcher. The three of them had bonded that night while sharing the Slayer's pain and saying farewell to the vampire who had been their friend. It was that night that Cordelia had finally accepted that she would never again be able to be the shallow person she once was. Shaking her head Cordelia pulled herself from her thoughts, Buffy was going to be okay, and Willow had received an e-mail from Angel telling her that he was doing fine. They would both do fine, she told herself, shuddering at the thought of losing Xander. She jumped when everyone at the table started clapping wildly. Xander was pulling her to his feet, a huge grin on his face. She looked at him, her expression perplexed, as he pulled her to him and kissed her. Pulling away she looked around the room, her eyes stopping when they connected with Buffy's. The Slayer grinned at her, looking almost truly happy. "You won Cordy. Chalk one up for the freaks of the world." Shocked into silence, Cordelia had let Xander pull her to the stage, barely noticing Harmony seething as she walked by. She didn't say a word as the crown was placed on her head, and Xander made a goofy speech that made everyone laugh. Then he led her to the dance floor and for once in his life Xander Harris passed over his patented Xander dance in favor of a slow waltz, holding her tightly to his chest. Cordelia leaned against him, surprised at the relief she felt. Things would be okay; she felt that now with a certainty that had always evaded her in the past. She danced the night away, wrapped in Xander's arms, so sure that things were exactly as they were meant to be. ************* May 28, 2005 Cordelia drifted off to sleep, her arms wrapped around herself as memories of dancing in Xander's arms soothed her. She woke abruptly a few hours later, the hardwood floor cold against her cheek. She pulled herself to a sitting position, leaning back against the wall as she tried to figure out how the certainty of that night had faded. How she had let the love of her life go, no, how she had pushed the love of her life away. Standing up she walked through the connecting door leading into her bedroom. She walked in quietly, not surprised to find it empty. She would have been shocked if her husband was even sure which room she slept in. Trying to remember the last time her husband had touched her at all, she slowly lay down on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. Letting her mind drift back again, to the night of the prom. ************ Room 115 May 28, 1999 "Are you sure?" Xander said, staring intently at the floor as they sat, not touching on the edge of the bed. "Totally. You?" Cordelia could hear the slight quiver in her voice as she answered him. "I've been sure since...well...for a long time." Xander broke off, his eyes wandering around the room. "It's not exactly the Sunnydale Inn." Cordelia checked out the room, a slight smile on her face. "A Motel Six seems perfect somehow. I mean, it is you Xander." "You wound me with your words." Xander spoke mockingly, as he fell backwards onto the bed; his hands holding an imaginary hole in his chest. Cordelia shook her head in amused tolerance before laying down beside him, her stomach wrapped in knots. "This is nice." Cordelia whispered as she snuggled closer to Xander. They curled up together, neither willing to make the first move. "Nice? I'm freezing here." Xander spoke against her neck sending chills down Cordelia'a spine. A soft laugh escaping her she pulled the blanket from the bottom of the bed up and pulled it and his arms tighter around her. "But we are alone." Cordelia whispered, her lips trembling. Xander nuzzled his chin into her neck for a moment before mumbling his agreement. Then slowly he began kissing her neck and tickling her with the stubble on his face. With a helpless giggle Cordelia fell back into him, turning over in her struggle to escape. Suddenly Xander was leaning over her, his face contorted into a caricature of himself, "Mee Luv, how can a poor simple farm boy argue weeth such a wise and sopheesticated lady such as yourself?" Cordelia looked up into the dark eyes of her boyfriend and felt herself drowning, "You shouldn't." Her voice was breathless, the longing in her stomach that seemed to grow every time she was with him stealing her ability to breathe. Xander took in her flushed cheeks and clouded eyes, and with a proprietary grin he leaned in and claimed her mouth. Pulling back slightly Xander stared down at her, his eyes filled with more than desire. "I love you." Cordelia stared back at him, her heart pounding in anticipation. "I love you." Her hand reached up to caress his face, amazed that she could feel this way. Xander kissed her then, the passion in it taking her breath away. His hands slowly pulling the straps of her dress down. Cordelia shivered as his fingers brushed her chest, a slight gasp escaping her lips. She slipped away from him and moving to stand in front of him, she unzipped her dress and let it fall to the floor. She grinned at him, feeling self-conscious, until he smiled slowly at her, his hands reaching out to trace a line from her neck down to her waist before pulling her to him. His lips traced the path his hand had taken, light kisses covering her body. She had woken early the next morning feeling more content than she had ever been. A smile lit her face as she looked up at the man whose arms held her. He looked so peaceful, his breathe slow and even. She snuggled closer, enjoying the feel of his skin against hers. A wicked grin formed on her face as she considered the best way to wake him. ********* ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1999 17:51:41 PST From: "Andrea Newbery" Subject: BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (3/18) Title: Best Intentions Author: Andrea e-mail: anewbery@hotmail.com disclaimer: These characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, the WB, etc. They are not mine. spoilers: Everything up to the end of season two. distribution: Sure, just let me know. rating: PG-13 summary: Xander/Cordelia. This fic is set in the same timeline as Christine’s amazing story, ‘The Wildest Times in the World’ although technically this story takes place before that one. If you haven’t read it, e-mail me and I’ll send it to you although you can read this story even if you haven’t read hers. Feedback: Please. Good, bad, anything. Thanks to Christine, for writing the story that started this, and for helping me when I got stuck and for thinking up the title. Wow, and there’s still more I could thank you for. :) May 28, 2005 Cordelia stuffed her fist in her mouth, trying to stifle the sobs that wanted to escape. She was the one who had done this, had chosen the safe life over the one she wanted. That night had been everything to her, all the love in the world was hers and she had let it go. She hadn't fought, hadn't cried, she had just stepped back into her shell and let love pass her by. She was grateful for that night though, she always would be. Every time her husband ignored her, or came home drunk, even the times that he brought home one of his girlfriends she remembered that she had once been loved by a man who would have given her anything. She had once spent a night in heaven and nothing could take that from her. Once again she thought of Buffy, and how she had held herself together when Angel had lost his soul, and later when she had lost him again. Cordelia had never understood how the Slayer had gone on, how she had ever laughed again. It was only when she lost Xander that she understood the power Angel's love had given Buffy. It was the same power that Xander had given her that night. No matter how much Xander hated her now, he had loved her then with everything and that gave her something to hold onto. She wished she could talk to Buffy now, tell her how stupid she had been to give Xander up. Cordelia laughed at her thoughts, Buffy couldn't fix anything for her, none of them could. They had believed her when she told them her choice. They had believed that she wanted to be the Cordelia they had hated again. Willow, Buffy, Oz and Xander, they had all believed her so easily. It had torn her heart out that they hadn't thought better of her after all the time they had spent together, but it had made the parting easier, the anger covering the hurt. She had lived on the anger for a long time. It had carried her through her last years of college and through all the preparations for her wedding. It had carried her up the aisle and it had placed her hand in the hand of her husband-to-be. It had made the words come from her mouth and helped her hand sign the certificate. It had traveled with her on her honeymoon, and moved into her new penthouse apartment. It had helped her open the letter Willow had sent her, and then it was gone, leaving her alone in a nightmare she had made for herself. A nightmare that she hadn't woken from yet, and probably never would. It was only when she read Willow's words that she had realized how wrong she had been about everything. Looking back over the events now, she couldn't forgive herself for the mistakes she had made, even if she had thought she was doing the unselfish thing for once in her life. ********** Sunnydale Cemetery July 15, 2000 Cordelia slammed on the brakes, coming quickly to a stop just outside the Sunnydale Cemetery. She couldn't wait to tell Xander the good news, and she knew this was the most likely place to find him since he liked to help Buffy with her first patrol of the evening. Grinning to herself she wondered just how much help Xander was, although she had to admit he had definitely gotten in much better shape than he was in high school. Pushing away the thoughts that threatened to cloud her mind she grabbed a crucifix and her spray bottle of Holy water from her glove compartment. "Never hurts to be prepared in this town." She muttered to herself as she straightened her skirt before entering the graveyard. She thought happily of her news as she wandered through the graveyard. Xander would be so happy that she wasn't going to be so far away next year. Her first year at design school had been really hard on them, and she had the phone bills to prove it. Plus, she could be here to help do research and stuff when Buffy had a really bad guy to fight. Thank God for the internet she thought, unable even now to believe that she could complete her education online with only three visits to the college during the year. Twirling the crucifix around in her fingers she stopped when she heard the sound of sobbing. Following the noise she came upon Buffy crying in Xander's arms. Cordelia stopped, wondering what had happened, if someone had been hurt. But she had just been with Willow, Oz, Giles and Joyce and she couldn't think of anyone else whose death would cause Buffy such pain. Unless Angel... Cordelia let out a soft gasp, as she stood frozen to the spot, unable to move towards the clasped pair. "I can't do this anymore Xander." Buffy's voice carried clearly across the graveyard, the pain in her voice chilling Cordelia. She moved to go to the pair, but was stopped by Xander's voice. "You can Buffy." Xander spoke confidently, his shoulders taunt. "I miss him so much. If only I knew where he was, if I could see him..." The Slayer's voice trailed off as she stood looking miserably at Xander. Cordelia let out a breath, relieved that Angel still existed. "You don't need him. You have us, Willow, Oz, Giles, Cordy and me Buffy. You have me." Xander's voice was panicked. "You have me Buffy." Cordelia watched horrified as Xander took Buffy into his arms and held her. She couldn't move as Buffy moved her lips to cover Xander's. She said nothing as Xander kissed her back, just silently watched as her life slipped away from her, doing nothing at all to stop it. Xander broke the kiss, pulling away from the Slayer to look into her eyes. Cordelia moved backwards slowly, not wanting to see the scene in front of her, but not knowing how to look away. Xander's mouth opened to speak and Cordelia turned and ran. She could handle everything she saw, she could know that Xander kissed Buffy, but if she heard him say the words of love that he had said to her only the night before she wouldn't be able to live through the pain of it. Cordelia walked away from the graveyard; her stomach churning so badly she thought she would be sick. Tears streamed down her face as the betrayal sunk in. Her love and her friend in each other's arms. She had trusted them, would have died for them. She walked quickly, her pain hardening into blind rage. She had given up the life she had wanted for Xander. She had risked her life countless times to help Buffy. She had cried with her over the loss of Angel, had supported her as the Slayer learned to live without him. She had given Xander her heart and her soul and her body. She had trusted him, loved him in a way she never thought was possible. She sunk to the pavement, sobbing wildly as all the dreams she had for the future evaporated. Cordelia thought back to the beginning of her relationship with Xander, when she knew Xander had wanted more from the Slayer than she was willing to give him. Cordelia shook her head, it had been years since Xander had felt anything more than friendship for Buffy. She had been sure of it. How could she have been so wrong? Wiping her face Cordelia stood and walked towards her car, wanting to fix her make-up before she confronted her former boyfriend and his friend. She would not give them the satisfaction of seeing the pain she felt. She would find them and tell them what she thought of their friendship and their love and then she would leave this town and never look back. She sat on the hood of her car, waiting for them to exit the cemetery; every hair in place and her face clear of all signs of pain. Breathing deeply she planned elaborate revenge fantasies that she knew she would never carry out, but they gave her the strength to keep from sobbing. Only a few more minutes, she told herself, a few more minutes and then you can cry. She felt Xander coming before she saw him, her heart leaping before settling painfully back. The Slayer walked out of the cemetery with her head low, her face ravaged by the crying fit she had suffered earlier. Cordelia slid off her car, wanting to be standing when the pair reached her. She looked up into Xander's eyes and saw the love she always seen there. Turning to Buffy she saw the shame in the Slayer's eyes and the new guilt that lived there. She sighed softly, knowing that she couldn't add to Buffy's burden. Her life was filled with enough guilt already. Cordelia watched them walk towards her, one so tall and dark and the other so little and fair, their steps in perfect sync. They look wonderful together she realized, as her heart shattered. She understood what she had to do as they walked towards her. Knowing with a strange certainty that puzzled her that she would give up Xander for Buffy, step away without a fight. Her heart raged against the thought of letting Xander go and with him her happy life. But when she looked at the Slayer who carried the weight of the world on her shoulders she couldn't bring herself to hurt her any more. Xander had loved Buffy since he had met her, and with Cordelia gone he could love her without feeling any guilt. Feeling something shut down inside her she silently bid him good-bye. Pasting a brittle smile on her face she spoke in a tone she hadn't used for years, cringing at the sound of her own voice. "Buffy. You're looking a little...ragged. You should really try waterproof make-up, it really does stay on better." Ignoring the voice in her head that screamed at her to stop, she watched as Buffy's eyes hardened, losing some of the guilt that had been there. "Cordy." Xander said, his expression a mixture of confusion and anger. "Buffy's had a really hard night." "And what about me? I've been waiting for you for over fifteen minutes." Cordelia said, unable to believe how easy it was to slip into old habits. Looking at Xander she realized how much she had depended on him to give her the strength to be herself. Swallowing the lump in her throat she continued. "Can we go now? This place creeps me out. I don't know why you can't hunt in a nicer spot." Xander stared at her, the confusion on his face changing to hurt. "Can we give Buffy a drive home first?" Cordelia turned to Buffy, her lips curled in distaste. "But I just had the car vacuumed." Cordelia stopped, the pain on Buffy's face preventing her from saying anything else. "I suppose so." The occupants of the car were silent on the drive to Buffy's house. Cordelia kept checking in the rearview mirror, feeling horrible about the words she had said to Buffy. Reminding herself that she was giving everything up so that the Slayer could have Xander, her eyes hardened. Buffy could handle a little pain, it was the guilt she couldn't take any more of. And Cordelia knew better than any of them how easy it was to dismiss her when she acted like a bitch. Let them all think that she had reverted. Lost her soul like Angel. She pulled to a stop in front of Buffy's house, barely glancing at Buffy as the Slayer thanked her for the drive, her voice hurt. Hurt, Cordelia thought to herself, she's hurt and I'm the one who saw her kissing my boyfriend tonight. Aloud she only muttered something about getting her car cleaned as she squealed away. Xander said nothing as she drove towards his house; just glanced at her every few seconds, looking puzzled. When she stopped in front of his house he turned to her. "Are you okay? Did something happen tonight?" His voice was concerned as he slipped his arm around her. Tell me Xander, please, she thought as she relaxed into his embrace for a split second. "Nothing's wrong. Why? Did something happen with you?" "No." Xander spoke quickly, his arm tightening around her. Cordelia ducked her head into his shoulder for a moment, wishing with everything she was that he would have told her. Fighting back the tears she lifted her face to his and kissed him. Putting every ounce of feeling she ever had for him into her kiss. He kissed her back just as deeply and she melted into his embrace. Finally pulling away he whispered for her to come in. She shook her head, then loosing herself in the thought of a life spent without him she slipped out of the car and followed him into the house. He undressed her silently, seeming to understand that there was no time for words. They fell into each other's arms, and joined together one more time. Cordelia felt tears slipping down her cheeks as Xander fell into a satisfied sleep, his arms wrapped tightly around her. She lay there as the night passed, memorizing every line on his face, every curve of his body. Finally as the dawn broke she moved from his embrace and walked away. She drove for hours that morning, planning her gift to Buffy. She realized that she would have to be more than rude to Buffy, she would have to act like the girl that they had all hated. Her heart broke a little bit more as she finally understood that she would have to give all of them up, not just Xander and Buffy. She straightened her shoulders and hardened her resolve as she turned the car and headed to the library to begin carrying out her plan. She had walked in on Willow, studying with Giles, the weight of training to be a Watcher still weighing heavily on the redhead's shoulders. It hadn't taken much to shatter the friendships she had worked so hard to build. A few veiled comments and some outright insults; all delivered with a smile on her face. It got easier as she went on, the fact that no one questioned her new behavior adding to the pain she already felt. They seemed to pull away from her so quickly, not asking if anything was wrong or trying to talk to her. They just shut her out as if she had never been one of them. Conversations stopped when she came into a room, dirty looks followed her as she walked away. Two weeks was all it took. Two weeks to destroy every bond she had made with them. The pain she felt wrapped itself tighter around her every minute, choking all emotions except the anger that held her together. She said good-bye to Xander on a Saturday night. A quick peck on the cheek and she was gone. She never told him that she wasn't coming back and he never asked. She drove away from Sunnydale barely able to see through her tears, but by the time she reached Boston her tears were gone. Replaced by the anger that would sustain her through the next few years. ******** ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ End of buffyfic-digest V3 #13 ***************************** To subscribe to buffyfic or buffyfic-digest, send the command subscribe buffyfic-digest or subscribe buffy to majordomo@xmission.com. You will need to go through a confirmation process, and the listowners have to manually approve your subscription request, so it may take some time. To unsubscribe, send email to majordomo@xmission.com with unsubscribe buffyfic-digest or unsubscribe buffyfic in the body. Back issues of this digest can be found at: ftp://ftp.xmission.com/pub/lists/buffyfic/archive/ Dalton Spence has also provided an index of the buffyfic archive at: http://www.hwcn.org/~ag775/BUFFYFIC.HTM For help, contact Jill Kirby (jtkirby@mcs.com) or sah (romana@mindspring.com)