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buffyfic-digest        Friday, January 15 1999        Volume 03 : Number 020



In this issue:

       BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (6/18)
       BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (7/18)

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or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues.

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Date: Fri, 15 Jan 1999 08:56:35 PST
From: "Andrea Newbery" <anewbery@hotmail.com>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (6/18)

Title: Best Intentions
Author: Andrea
e-mail: anewbery@hotmail.com
disclaimer: These characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant 
Enemy, the WB, etc. They are not mine. 
spoilers: Everything up to the end of season two.
distribution: Sure, just let me know. 
summary: Xander/Cordelia. This fic is set in the same timeline as 
Christine's amazing story, 'The Wildest Times in the World' although 
technically this story takes place before that one. If you haven't read 
it, e-mail me and I'll send it to you.
Feedback: Please. Good, bad, anything.  
Thanks to Christine, for writing the story that started this, and for 
helping me when I got stuck and for thinking up the title. And there's 
still more I could thank you for. :)




May 30, 2006

Cordelia received her final divorce papers on a Friday, almost a year to 
the day after she arrived in Sunnydale. She sat in her small impersonal 
apartment the entire night staring at the walls, not knowing exactly 
what she was supposed to be feeling. Should she feel some sadness over 
the failure her marriage had been? Some sense of shame that she had 
disappointed her family? God knows, her parents thought she should. But 
she couldn't feel either of those things; all she felt was alone. She 
had done it, had gotten rid of all the traps she had set for herself in 
her attempt to leave Xander and the person she was behind. So now that 
she was free, she didn't know what to do with herself. Her life was 
empty, filled only by her long hours at work. She had no friends, no 
hobbies; she didn't even own a t.v. She was twenty five years old and 
she was a divorced woman. Laughing suddenly in the silence of the 
apartment, she stood up and went to stand in front of the mirror. 
Staring at her image she spoke sternly to herself. "It's time Cordelia. 
You have to find him, try and explain. You have to get past this and 
move on with your life. Or else you should start buying cats." Making a 
face at the vision of her surrounded by only cats for the rest of her 
life, she turned away from the mirror, grabbing a sweater as she left 
her apartment. She climbed into her car and drove aimlessly for hours, 
not sure what she should do now. Finally she stopped at the beach, 
thinking that a walk along the water would help her focus her thoughts. 

She wandered slowly down the beach, pulling her shoes off so that she 
could feel the sand beneath her feet. Kicking the sand in front of her 
she walked with her head down, not noticing that she was alone on the 
beach until she heard the crash of breaking glass. She froze, 
remembering suddenly where she was and the trouble she may have gotten 
herself into. She moved forward cautiously, her breath catching when she 
saw the figure standing on the beach. Her heart stopped as she drank in 
the sight of him. She watched him sit down on the rocks they had once 
sat on together, his pained expression keeping her frozen in place.
*************
Sunnydale High School Library
May 30, 2006

"So, what's the sitch?" Xander spoke casually as he sat down across from 
his two best friends, his two very concerned looking best friends.  
Settling back into his chair he scanned the library for Giles, sure he 
would be coming out from the stacks any moment, research face firmly in 
place. He turned back to Willow and Buffy, still not overly concerned. 
"Anyone?"

Willow shared a look with Buffy before clearing her throat. "Um...well, 
it's not a demon."

Xander stared at the hacker turned Watcher with a perplexed look. "Not a 
demon? Then why the big meeting and the long faces? It's Friday night, I 
might have had plans."

"Right Xander." Buffy spoke sarcastically. "Like a date?"

Xander grinned at her, hiding his hurt under a smile. "And you have so 
much room to talk."

Willow held up her hands to silence both of them. "Enough." She turned 
to Buffy; a look of warning on her face. 

The Slayer nodded slowly, then turned to Xander and blurted out their 
news. "Cordelia's back in town. She's been in town for almost a year, 
but we were afraid to tell you."

He sat stunned as Willow turned angrily to Buffy. "We were going to ease 
into it, remember? Be gentle? We were not going to just throw it at 
him."

"You would never have been able to say it." Buffy accused Willow; her 
face sad. "You wanted to try and hide it from him forever."

"Why didn't you?" Xander's voice sounded like it was far away even to 
his own ears. He stared at his friends, feeling himself sinking into a 
dark hole. The same one he had spent four years trying to climb out of. 
He lashed out at Buffy and Willow, anger the only emotion he could hold 
onto. "If she's been here for a year and I didn't know...why didn't you 
just keep it a secret?"

Willow held her hand out to him, her eyes burning into his. Her voice 
was shaking slightly as she answered him. "If I thought that I could 
keep it from you forever I would have." She grabbed his hand when he 
didn't offer it to her and held on tightly. 

Buffy nodded at Willow's words, her eyes full of sadness for him. "But 
we think Cordelia may try and contact you."

Xander felt a surge of hope run through him, but it quickly died. 
Cordelia would never contact him unless she wanted something. He felt 
the pain he had known when she left clawing at his stomach, reminding 
him of the years of torture he had put himself through trying to get 
over her. Not sure if he could keep his voice from breaking, he spoke 
softly. "Why would she contact me?"

Willow took a deep breath, her face turning slightly red. "I've 
been...well..."

Buffy interrupted Willow's confession, speaking quickly. "Willow's been 
tracking her. Trying to find out what she's back for, and why."

Xander turned to Willow; impressed by the lengths she had gone to trying 
to protect him. "And you found something today that made you decide to 
tell me that she was here?"

Willow nodded before replying. "Her divorce becomes final today."

Xander swallowed loudly, the thought of Cordelia getting a divorce 
shocking him. He couldn't picture her giving up her perfect life with 
her perfect husband and running back to Sunnydale. He looked at Buffy 
and Willow, his expression confused, they didn't actually think that it 
had anything to do with him, did they? His voice puzzled he pushed them 
for more information. "And why do you think this will make her contact 
me?"

"She didn't get any money. No alimony, no lump sum payment, nothing." 
Buffy spoke angrily; pushing herself away from the table and standing 
up. She stared intently at Xander as if she could make him see what she 
saw. "She supports herself making clothes."

"So?" Xander inquired, still struggling with the knowledge that 
Cordelia's perfect life hadn't turned out quite so perfectly.

"So you have money now Xander." Buffy slammed her hands down on the 
table, leaning in closer to him. "Don't you see? You have what she 
wants, what she's always wanted. Money, prestige, you've got it all 
now."

Leaning back in his chair as if he could escape Buffy's words Xander's 
mind spun as he tried to process everything he had been told. Cordelia 
was back in town, divorced and penniless. He closed his eyes, picturing 
the girl he once loved with all his heart, her bright smile and dark 
hair, the girl who had almost destroyed him. He opened his eyes slowly, 
looking into the concerned eyes of his best friends. Clearing his throat 
he spoke calmly. "Well, she's out of luck if she's looking to me for a 
free ride. The Cordelia I loved was nothing but an illusion, the real 
Cordelia has nothing to offer me."

"You still love her." Willow spoke surely without a hint of judgment in 
her voice.

"I love a dream Willow. I love a girl who cared about other people and 
didn't care about money or power. I loved a girl who loved me back. That 
girl is not Cordelia." Xander stared straight at Willow as he spoke, not 
sure if he was trying to convince her or himself.

"We just don't want you to hurt anymore." Buffy offered quietly, the 
anger gone from her body now. She slipped back into her chair beside 
Willow and continued speaking. "We almost lost you before because of her 
and we don't want it to happen again."

"It won't." Xander said quietly, anger slowly building in him. "Cordelia 
will never get a chance to destroy me, if anything I'll destroy her." 
His voice shook with conviction as his eyes hardened. Pushing his chair 
back he slowly climbed to his feet feeling suddenly old. "I'll talk to 
you guys tomorrow okay? I need to be alone right now."

He felt their worried looks as he walked out of the library, but he 
refused to look back. Heading slowly out of the High School he was 
overcome by memories of Cordelia everywhere he walked, the closets they 
used to make out in, the bench they had sat together on, all of the 
memories pushing his anger away and leaving only sorrow. 

Xander walked slowly along the beach holding an almost empty bottle of 
rum carelessly in his hand. Since leaving the library two hours ago he 
had been walking on the beach, trying to make sense of his life. How had 
he gotten to the point that his two best friends were so worried about 
his sanity that they had kept this a secret from him for a year? Looking 
down at the bottle in his hand he wondered if they weren't right to 
worry. He hadn't taken one drink since his first book had been 
published, but with the news that she was back in town all his hard won 
peace had shattered. 

Throwing the bottle against a rock he enjoyed the noise it made as it 
smashed. How had he lost her? How had she fooled him?  He still couldn't 
understand after all these years how she had just walked away. He 
thought she loved him as much as he had loved her. Still loved her. But 
she had walked away without a backward glance. One night she had been 
his Cordy, and then in a blink of an eye she had become the bitch again. 
He had been so stunned at her sudden change he hadn't even asked her 
why, hadn't fought for her at all. He just let her go; let his love walk 
out of his life and never look back. 

He sat down on the sand, his knees pulled tight against his chest, 
remembering the start of their last summer, when they had sat together 
on this beach and vowed never to be apart again.
*********

June 25, 2000

Xander watched his girlfriend run along the edge of the water, her pants 
rolled up past her ankles as she yelled at him to hurry up and come join 
her. He dropped the pile of blankets he had collected from the car and 
deciding that starting the fire could wait, he pulled of his shoes and 
ran to the water.

Cordelia grabbed him as he came near her, wrapping her arms around his 
neck as he swung her around, both of them laughing as the water splashed 
their pants. She leaned against him, laughing helplessly as they spun. 
He stopped when he thought he would fall, and they held onto each other 
as they waited for the world to stop spinning around them. He pulled 
back from her and  looking into her eyes he grinned. "So, did you miss 
me?"

She laughed freely then, her joy filling his heart. "Miss you? How could 
I? I called you every night." Leaning forward she kissed him quickly 
before pulling out of his arms and running down the beach.

He shook his head and took off running after her, tackling her from 
behind and falling with her into the water. They both went under and 
came up gasping for breath. Cordelia glared at him, her mascara running 
in black streaks down her face. He tried his best to look innocent and 
was rewarded when she pulled him to her, kissing him deeply as the waves 
crashed around them. They lay in a tight embrace on the beach until 
Xander became aware that she wasn't shaking from desire, but because she 
was freezing. Pulling her up they walked slowly to the blankets.

"Take off your clothes, I'll start the fire." Xander threw the bag of 
extra clothes at her as he spoke.

"Pervert. I just got home and you're trying to get me naked already." 
Cordelia spoke, her teeth chattering.

Xander turned and looked her up and down slowly before turning away. 
"Drenched rats don't do it for me honey. Sorry." He smiled to himself, 
knowing she was glaring at him as he concentrated on getting the fire 
going. Once it was well lit he turned towards her, wanting to get out of 
his wet clothes too.

Cordelia was standing there, her wet clothes removed, but no new ones 
added. She grinned at him. "On the other hand, I kinda like a drenched 
rat." Moving forward she pulled his t-shirt over his head and embraced 
him. "But I like the no-clothes type of rat even better."

He kissed her then, his hands touching her body, feeling her heat 
burning him. She leaned into his embrace and he picked her up. Carrying 
her over to the blankets spread out beside the fire he carefully laid 
her down.  Staring down at her in the firelight he spoke in a voice 
thick with emotion. "I don't really know what trick of fate put the two 
of us together, but I am so thankful for it. This year apart has only 
strengthened what I already feel for you."

She looked up at him; the tears in her eyes making them shine. She 
reached up and ran her hand along the line of his jaw. "Me too. Now come 
here." Her hand slipped around the back of his head and brought his lips 
down to meet hers. They had made love almost silently, their bodies 
speaking for them, until much later when they were curled up together 
under the blankets and the fire had almost burnt out. 

"Xander." Cordelia's voice was so low he could barely hear her. " I did 
miss you, everyday. I felt like I had lost a piece of myself. Even 
though I knew I would see you again, it still hurt. I was so worried 
that you would forget me, or decide that you didn't really love me."

He leaned up on one elbow, staring down at her. "I know the feeling. I 
worried that you would remember that I was a loser, or a geek. Or that 
you would decide that it cost too much to love me."

"Too much? I've only gained from loving you. And if you're a geek, then 
I'll shout from the rooftops that I love a geek." Her hands ran over his 
shoulders as she spoke, her eyes clouding with renewed desire. 

He leaned down and kissed her, his arms tightening around her as he 
loved her. They had fallen asleep much later, their limbs tangled 
together. He had woken as the sky began to lighten, waking her with a 
soft kiss. "Come on Cordy. If you don't want to make a public show of 
yourself we'd better get going."

She sat up slowly; silently putting her clothes back on and helping him 
fold up all the blankets. They walked hand in hand back towards the car. 
He stopped halfway there, her silence frightening him. "Cord, is 
something wrong?"

She looked at him, startled out of her thoughts. Pulling him over to the 
rocks that lined the beach she sat down and looked at him. "I don't want 
to do it again."

He looked at her, his heart racing. Sitting down beside her, he 
questioned her. "Do what?"

"Leave you." Her voice whispered across the deserted beach. Then 
speaking louder she said it again. "Leave you. I don't want to be apart 
from you."

"Then don't." Xander said softly, his arm sliding around her. "Except, 
what about your school?"

"I'll figure something out. I just can't leave again." Her voice sounded 
as if she would cry, but her face was determined.

"So then we'll find a way. I mean we've done battle with the forces of 
evil. This should be a piece of cake." Smiling at his girlfriend he 
pulled her to him and held her.
********

Xander leaned back against the rock, staring out at the waves crashing 
along the shore. Speaking to himself he asked the question he wanted to 
hear her answer. The same thing he asked every time, the question he 
would never get the answer to.  "So then what changed Cordelia? Did you 
decide that I wasn't good enough for you? Was it pressure from your 
family? Or did you just stop loving me?"

"No Xander. I never stopped loving you."
********



______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 15 Jan 1999 08:58:35 PST
From: "Andrea Newbery" <anewbery@hotmail.com>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (7/18)

Title: Best Intentions
Author: Andrea
e-mail: anewbery@hotmail.com
disclaimer: These characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant 
Enemy, the WB, etc. They are not mine. 
spoilers: Everything up to the end of season two.
distribution: Sure, just let me know. 
summary: Xander/Cordelia. This fic is set in the same timeline as 
Christine's amazing story, 'The Wildest Times in the World' although 
technically this story takes place before that one. If you haven't read 
it, e-mail me and I'll send it to you.
Feedback: Please. Good, bad, anything.  
Thanks to Christine, for writing the story that started this, and for 
helping me when I got stuck and for thinking up the title. And there's 
still more I could thank you for. :)


May 30, 2006


Cordelia felt the words leave her mouth before she even considered it.  
He turned at the sound of her voice and stared blankly at her standing 
there. She watched him consider her, knew that he hadn't accepted her 
presence yet. But then his face filled with love and he moved towards 
her, his hand outstretched. She held her breath, her heart pounding 
wildly, moving tentatively forward.  Xander reached out for her, his 
hands grasping her tightly as he pulled her to him, mumbling softly in 
her hair as his hands moved across her back. Cordelia stood frozen in 
his embrace, caught between enjoying the feel of him holding her again 
and the knowledge that the smell of liquor emanating from him was 
probably the only reason he was anywhere near her. She pulled back 
slightly, fighting the urge to stay in his arms as long as he would let 
her. Xander stumbled as she moved away, his upper body swaying as he 
tried to stay on his feet. 

"Are you real?" The words tumbled from his mouth barely intelligible. He 
reached out to touch her face, his eyes full of love. "Are you back with 
me?"

She stared at him, realizing he was to far gone to remember that he 
hated her. Swallowing the tears that wanted to come she smiled at him. 
"It's me. Come on, I'll take you home."

"No." Xander sank to the sand, his arms reaching out for her. "I was 
just remembering the night we spent here on the beach, when you told me 
that you never wanted to leave me. Stay with me here. Pretend you never 
left me." His voice pleaded with her.

Cordelia was beside him on the sand before she had time to think, her 
arms encircling him as if she could protect him from the clarity he 
would find once the effects of the liquor wore off. "I'll stay Xander. 
Don't worry, I won't leave."

"But you did." Xander spoke brokenly, more to himself than to her. "You 
left me and you said you never wanted to leave me." Snuggling his head 
onto her lap he closed his eyes and began snoring softly. 

Running her fingers through his hair Cordelia cried softly, her heart 
breaking at the pain he still felt. "I never wanted to leave you. 
Never." Her arms wrapped around him tightly as he lay in her lap and she 
watched him sleep.

She woke a few hours later, the moon still high in the sky. She was 
confused for a moment, the feel of someone's arms around her an 
unfamiliar feeling. Xander moved against her then, his arms holding her 
a little tighter as he mumbled in his sleep. She stared at his face, so 
peaceful and unable to help herself she leaned in slightly to kiss his 
face. Knowing that she shouldn't do it, but also knowing that once he 
woke he would hate her again. Softly she touched her lips to his, trying 
to memorize the feel so she could carry it with her always. 

When his lips began to move against hers she pulled back, but his lips 
captured hers again and she gave into the kiss. Her mind was screaming 
for her to move away, to stop this before it went any further, but the 
feel of him in her arms was too hard to fight. Cordelia surrendered to 
the moment, the temptation to be with him again impossible to resist. 
She closed her mind to any thought except the feel of him in her arms as 
they made love once again.

She woke again as the sun was slowly coming up in the sky. Slipping from 
Xander's arms she dressed quickly, terrified he would wake up before she 
could disappear. Last night had been her gift from fate and she knew as 
soon as Xander woke reality would come crashing back. Looking back down 
at his sleeping form she smiled softly before turning and running down 
the beach. 

Cordelia avoided the beach after that night, afraid she would run into 
Xander again, afraid he wouldn't remember that night. More afraid that 
he would. She threw herself into her work once again, the loneliness 
becoming more and more difficult to bear. Most nights she sat alone in 
her apartment wondering how she was going to survive the rest of her 
life. Something had to change, she was sure of that. She either had to 
get out of this town, or move on.  Xander wasn't ever going to be a part 
of her life. Rescue came in a strange form, her old friend Harmony, now 
a busy socialite in the Sunnydale country club came into her shop one 
day to ask for her help with a charity auction to benefit the Children's 
hospital. She couldn't understand why she said yes, but she had, 
grabbing onto the first semi-friendly voice she had heard directed at 
her since she had come home.  Before she knew it she was on the planning 
committee and most of her nights were busy. 

She almost enjoyed the nights spent planning, enjoyed the verbal 
sparring matches with Harmony, enjoying even more the look on Harmony's 
face when the only space available to hold the auction was at Sunnydale 
High School's auditorium. Some days she could almost pretend that this 
was the life she had always wanted. Everything went smoothly until she 
received the final copy of the guest list. She had felt her stomach drop 
out when she saw Willow, Buffy and Xander's name on the list of major 
contributors. Grabbing a chair she waited for the sinking feeling to 
pass. She looked over the paper closely, unable to believe that she had 
walked into the trap Harmony had set, but there it was, hidden on the 
back page in tiny letters, Alex Harris will be emceeing the auction.  
Laughing bitterly she stared at the words, finally understanding why 
Harmony had wanted her to be on the committee.

 Going into her room she changed her clothes without knowing for sure 
what she planned to do. Quickly fixing her hair and make-up she stood 
looking at herself in the mirror. Satisfied that she looked like the 
Cordelia they all thought she was she spun around and left her apartment 
once again. Driving much too fast down familiar streets she pulled up to 
Sunnydale High School before she had time to think about what she was 
doing. 

Slamming the car door behind her she walked into the building and headed 
straight to the gym. There was a meeting of the decorating committee 
there tonight. She wasn't sure if Harmony would still be there, but she 
was to angry to think straight. Yelling out Harmony's name she entered 
the gym, her eyes blazing as she prepared to have it out with her one 
time friend.  "Harmony, why didn't you tell me? I can't do this. 
Harmony, where are you?"

"She's not here." 

She spun around at the sound of his voice, her stomach clenching. 
"Xander." She fought desperately to keep her voice sounding normal as 
the room swam around her. Losing the battle the room around her faded as 
she fell forward onto the floor. 

She came back to consciousness slowly, realizing that she was no longer 
in the gym. Moving her head tentatively she realized she was in the 
library. And that a very annoyed Xander was staring down at her. 
Struggling to a sitting position she pushed her hair off her face as she 
waited for him to speak. 

"Why did you come back here?" Xander's voice was low and angry. 

"I...I was trying to find Harmony. I didn't know you were here." 
Cordelia spoke softly, not wanting to anger him further.

"Not here. Sunnydale. Why come back? Haven't you done enough?" Xander's 
voice was still angry, but she could hear the pain under it, the hurt he 
was hiding. 

Swallowing she struggled to sit up, hiding the hurt she felt. "I wanted 
to explain. To apologize. Xander..."

He was staring at her in open horror now, his mouth hanging open. "You 
are back for me."

Cordelia stared questioningly at him. "Back for you? I know you'll never 
forgive me. I just...I just wanted to say that I was sorry. More sorry 
than you'll ever know."

He began shaking his head, his features hardening into a mask. His mouth 
was tight as he spoke. "So, now you're sorry. Now that I have the money 
and the prestige you're sorry. How very Cordelia-like."

It was her turn to be horrified as she leaned back against the couch. 
"No. I...money doesn't mean anything. Xander..."

He smiled at her as he began clapping slowly; each time his hands came 
together the roar in Cordelia's head got louder. "Beautiful Cordy. 
Beautiful. I might believe you, if I didn't already know you. Very 
realistic, you almost seem human, your face so pale and your hair a 
mess. One might almost think that you were being truthful. That you had 
no idea that I would be here."

"I didn't." She choked out.

Xander continued as if he hadn't heard her. "But we both know you did. 
I've been set to emcee the auction for months. You can't honestly expect 
me to believe that you didn't know that."

Cordelia stared at her hands, wondering why she hadn't realized what 
Harmony was up to. She didn't realize he was waiting for her answer 
until he spoke again.

"What? You thought it would be this easy to trick me? You faint and I 
come running back.  Come on Cordy, put a little effort into it. Put a 
smile on your face, compliment me, something. Cause this lost soul look 
just isn't you." Xander's leaned in close to her, the tone of his voice 
chilling her.

She pulled her knees up to her chest, wanting to block out his words. 
Speaking softly she questioned him. "And what exactly do you know about 
me?"

"I know you're heartless and cold. I know people are nothing more than a 
means to an end for you. I know you Cordelia. And I won't be fooled this 
time." Xander glared at her, his arms crossed in front of him. 

She nodded her head, folding her arms tighter around herself, trying to 
widen the distance between them. "Like I fooled you before? Is that what 
you mean? And how did I fool you Xander? By dating you? By changing 
everything about my life? By loving you?"

"Don't." Xander's voice was harsh. "Don't sully the word Cordelia. Call 
it lust, call it anything, but don't say that you loved me."

Cordelia threw her head up and glared at him. "Does that make it easier? 
Well, I did. So deal with it."

"Maybe you did, as much as you can love anything." Xander turned and 
started to walk out of the library.

Cordelia watched him start to leave, but the anger was present in her, 
for the first time in a long time and she couldn't let it go, even if it 
destroyed her to see the hate on his face. She sprung from the chair, 
ignoring the buzzing in her head as she caught up with him, grabbing his 
shirt to turn him around. "How dare you? How dare you say these things 
to me? What gives you the right to sit in judgment on me?"

He pulled his arm free and spat out. "Because I loved you. Because I 
believed you loved me. Because you left me, and you never looked back. 
Because I wanted to die when you left." His face was bitter as he 
paused, before continuing. "Because I still dream about you, dream of 
holding you. That's what gives me the right." His voice was louder now, 
his anger building. "Because after all this time I still want you. Is 
that what you want to hear?"

Cordelia stared at him, her anger fading as she remembered the night on 
the beach and realized that to him it was only a dream. Her voice was 
soft as she spoke again. "How do you know I never looked back? Did you 
ever look for me? Ever call me? Don't lay this all on me Xander. You 
never once tried to come after me. You seem to think I walked away free 
and clear Xander." Her voice broke as her words trailed off.

"Come off it. Cordelia Chase doesn't miss someone like me. You just went 
back to everything that being with me made you lose."

She crumbled then, feeling her insides disintegrate. Holding herself 
together by sheer will she spoke again, "How could you have been with me 
Xander? We were together for over two years and the whole time you were 
just waiting for me to change back?"

"No. I believed you. I believed the lie, totally." Xander's voice was 
bitter as he stared at her.

Cordelia nodded her head at him, her smile bitter. "But I act like a 
bitch for two weeks and you forgot those two years. You let me walk 
away. You didn't call, didn't write. You've been so busy hating me, 
blaming me, that you never asked yourself why. You never asked me why." 
Her voice was shrill and out of control even to her own ears. "You let 
me go Xander. I was yours and you let me go. And I've taken the blame 
for it for much too long, but I'm done now. You can take your hatred and 
your mistrust and your friends and you can stay out of my way."

Xander was watching her, the hatred mixing with puzzlement on his face. 
He was silent for a moment before the confusion faded away, and the 
anger burned even stronger. "Cordelia this is low, even for you. You're 
going to try and blame this on me? And then conveniently forgive me, I 
suppose. Then we'll fall into each other's arms and live happily ever 
after. Well then come here honey." Xander reached out and grabbed her 
before she could react. 

He pulled her close to him, his lips hovering above hers for a moment 
before coming down hard on them. Cordelia was engulfed in a storm of 
emotions, from passion to fear, overwhelming love to the first stirring 
of hate.  She kissed him back frantically; unable to stem the tide of 
emotions she was feeling. He released her just as suddenly, pushing her 
away with one hand as he wiped his mouth with the other. "So is it all 
forgiven honey?" Xander voice was rough, his breath ragged.

Cordelia felt the burn in her lips, and the hole that had just widened 
in her soul. She felt a tear run down her cheek, but she refused to wipe 
it away. Speaking softly to the man she loved she whispered, "I forgave 
you everything that happened then. I don't know if I'll ever forgive you 
this night."

Turning Cordelia walked out of the library, wiping frantically at the 
tears that spilled down her face. She felt her anger burn inside her at 
Xander, at Willow, at Buffy. At all the people who had found it so easy 
to believe the worst of her.
********


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