From: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com (buffyfic-digest) To: buffyfic-digest@lists.xmission.com Subject: buffyfic-digest V3 #25 Reply-To: $SENDER Sender: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Errors-To: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Precedence: bulk buffyfic-digest Tuesday, January 19 1999 Volume 03 : Number 025 In this issue: BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (14/18) BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (12/18) See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 17:43:51 PST From: "Andrea Newbery" Subject: BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (14/18) Title: Best Intentions Author: Andrea e-mail: anewbery@hotmail.com disclaimer: These characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, the WB, etc. They are not mine. spoilers: Everything up to the end of season two. distribution: Sure, just let me know. summary: Xander/Cordelia. This fic is set in the same timeline as Christine's amazing story, 'The Wildest Times in the World' although technically this story takes place before that one. If you haven't read it, e-mail me and I'll send it to you. Feedback: Please. Good, bad, anything. Thanks to Christine, for writing the story that started this, and for helping me when I got stuck and for thinking up the title. And there's still more I could thank you for. :) January 7, 2007 Cordelia took one last look in the mirror before grabbing her purse and running out of her apartment. She sprinted down the stairs, squinting as she stepped out into the bright winter day. Seeing that Buffy wasn't there yet, she sighed, assuming the Slayer was caught up with a student. She shook her head slightly, the image of Buffy as a teacher, even if she was a gym teacher, still surprising her. Glancing at her watch, she smiled sadly, Buffy was still super athletic although she didn't have the Slayer strength she used to. Cordelia frowned, thinking once again of how close they had come to losing Buffy. If Giles hadn't rescued her, the best friend she ever had would be dead. Shivering Cordelia pushed the thought from her head, telling herself that Buffy was fine. The new Slayer was expected any day now, and Willow was finally going to get her chance to be an on duty Watcher. Cordelia and Buffy had renewed their friendship in sadness. One mourning the child she had lost and the other mourning the duty she had once despised. Cordelia wondered if she ever would have trusted Buffy as completely as she did if the other woman had not broken down one night, confessing that she wasn't as strong as she once was. Cordelia had thought she was joking at first, or that she wasn't getting what Buffy meant, but once she realized it was true, that every vampire Buffy managed to kill was more of a struggle than the last she had put aside her own pain to comfort the Slayer. She had been moved when Buffy asked her not to tell any of the others, that she wasn't ready to admit it yet. The fact Buffy had felt she could share it with her went a long way towards repairing the damage done to their relationship all those years ago. "But if she's much later, I'm going to have to seriously rethink this whole friendship." Cordelia muttered to herself, pulling her collar up as she watched the street for Buffy's car. She shivered, a chill traveling up her spine as she remembered who was going to be at dinner with them tonight. "Maybe late is better. Maybe never is better." She whispered to herself before shaking her head in disgust. "Get over it Cordy. You're past this. There is no reason that seeing Xander Harris should frighten you." Right, she thought, no reason at all, if you can forget how much you love him and how you still can't quite forgive him for not having more faith in you. She sighed in relief as Buffy's car turned onto her street, rescuing her from her thoughts. Climbing into Buffy's car she glared fondly at the other woman as Buffy rambled some excuse about a student who couldn't grasp the concept of Dodgeball. She leaned her head against the seat, letting Buffy's voice drown out the panic she was trying not to feel. The stomach turning, nausea inducing, making her palms sweat panic that increased the closer they got to the restaurant. She closed her eyes, counting to ten in her head as an image of Xander imprinted itself on her brain. Be calm, she told herself, he's probably just as nervous as you are. Why had she ever let Buffy talk her into this? Buffy with her mumbo jumbo about wanting to celebrate the new Slayer's arrival with a party. And Willow, she thought, growing more agitated, Willow, with her innocent face, nodding her head in agreement with every word Buffy said. Obviously forgetting all about the whole 'the Slayer must work in secret' deal. Okay, not forgetting exactly since the Slayer was coming to town under the guise of Giles' niece. And who doesn't throw a party to welcome their niece? How about everyone, she thought bitterly, her fingers clasped tightly together as she tried to stop thinking. "I mean, I explained it to him about a million times." Buffy's voice came back into focus as the car turned into the parking lot of the restaurant. "And he still just stood there every time I threw the ball at him." "Huh?" Cordelia said before realizing what Buffy was talking about. "Sounds rough." Buffy smiled knowingly at her as she parked the car. "It's going to be okay Cordy." Cordelia slumped down in the seat, her hands covering her face. "I know." She smiled weakly as she turned to face Buffy. "Theoretically." Buffy grinned as she got out of the car, coming around to Cordelia's side and opening the door. "I know you can do this." "So do I." Cordelia retorted as she let Buffy pull her out of the car. She followed Buffy towards the restaurant, mumbling under her breath. "I'm just not sure if I want too." Cordelia entered the restaurant just behind Buffy, her eyes scanning for any sight of Xander. She found Willow easily, her bright hair visible even in the dimly lit dining area. Looking at the table where Willow sat she counted only one other head. One head that was covered in blonde hair. Oz, she thought, grabbing Buffy's arm and pointing in their direction. She walked to the table slowly, not knowing if she was relieved or disappointed that he wasn't there. Sitting down beside Willow she smiled faintly, refusing to ask if he was coming. Everyone sat silently for a minute, their usual banter missing. Oz filled the silence with news about his new show, his unflappable nature helping to relax everyone. The waiter came to the table, bringing the wine Willow had ordered. He inquired if they were ready to order and Cordelia held her breath as she waited for someone to answer. "Not yet." Willow finally said, her eyes reluctantly meeting Cordelia's. Cordelia breathed out softly, her stomach beginning to churn again. She picked up her wine glass and filled it, downing the drink quickly. Ignoring the looks Buffy and Willow were giving her she poured herself another, but stopped with the drink halfway to her lips. Setting it back on the table she made a face at them. "One drink for courage, two and I'm on the floor." They smiled sympathetically at her, an uncomfortable silence settling over the table once more. Cordelia sighed, wishing that her panic wasn't affecting everyone else. She forced herself to relax and leaned forward, her voice barely trembling as she spoke. "So, does anyone have any ideas about where to have this party? I'd offer my place, but as you know, it's not much bigger than a tent." She could almost feel a collective sigh of relief from the other occupants of the table as everyone started talking at once, debating the merits of different locations. "I still like the idea you told me the other night." Oz said to Willow, smiling fondly at her. "No." Willow and Buffy answered together, shooting warning glances at Oz. "What was it?" Cordelia asked slowly. "To have it at the Bronze." Oz answered her, when Willow and Buffy said nothing. "The Bronze?" Cordelia blurted in surprise. "But isn't that still a teen hangout?" "That's kinda the point." Oz said, looking nonchalant as usual. "And the point is?" Cordelia stared at her three friends in confusion. "It's a flash back party." Willow replied, her enthusiasm for the idea breaking free. Buffy shrugged her shoulders, as she grinned at Cordelia. "To welcome the new Slayer in the place where we used to have so much fun." Her smiled faded as she continued. "Back when things were happier." Cordelia stared at Buffy, knowing that she was remembering Angel and the nights he would meet her at the Bronze. She smiled brightly, wanting to erase the look of pain from Buffy's face. "Sounds perfect. As long as my clothes don't have to be quite as tight, or as short as they were back then." "Agreed." Willow said, her smile wide. "You can even wear pants." Cordelia laughed before asking, "So, who thought up this fantastic idea?" The table fell suddenly silent as Buffy and Willow glanced at each other nervously before Buffy answered. "Xander." Cordelia nodded, unaware that a soft smile lingered on her face. She felt strangely proud that it was Xander's idea that they had chosen. Looking up, she saw Buffy looking at her with a knowing glint in her eye. Throwing her a dirty look she shook her head before smiling again. The conversation flowed much easier after that, Cordelia almost forgetting to be nervous about seeing Xander. Until Buffy and Willow fell suddenly silent, their shoulders tensing. Cordelia swore she could feel the air change in the room as butterflies congregated in her stomach. Her heart was beating wildly by the time she heard his voice coming from behind her. "Sorry I'm late. I had a flat tire." His voice was nervous as he moved into her line of sight, sitting down carefully between Buffy and Oz. He stared at the table for a minute before lifting his eyes to hers, his expression nothing short of terrified. Cordelia stared back at him, drinking in the sight of him, the restaurant and everyone else fading away. She noticed the dark circles under his eyes, and the spot on his jaw that the razor had missed. She stared down at his hands, nervously fidgeting with his fork. They looked so strong and gentle, tears filled her eyes as she suddenly saw those hands cradling their child. She closed her eyes for a moment, then looked into his eyes, seeing the same loss she felt reflected back. She smiled tentatively, her voice thick when she spoke. "Xander. It's good to see you." "You too." He managed to say, his voice cracking slightly. Everyone was silent as the waiter came back and took their orders. Cordelia felt calmer now, as she realized that she could do this. She knew as she sat at the table that she loved him as much as she ever had. But sitting there, the old gang reunited, she also knew that she hadn't totally forgiven him yet. Maybe she never would. She pushed the thought away, deciding that for now, being able to be sit at the same table was enough. She picked up her wine glass and sipped it slowly. Still holding her wine glass she leaned forward, her tone light as she spoke to him. "So. Flashback party?" Xander flushed, "I thought...well, you know, what with all the..." Cordelia leaned back in her chair, her smile widening as Xander stuttered through his answer. ******* ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 17:19:30 PST From: "Andrea Newbery" Subject: BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (12/18) Title: Best Intentions Author: Andrea e-mail: anewbery@hotmail.com disclaimer: These characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, the WB, etc. They are not mine. spoilers: Everything up to the end of season two. distribution: Sure, just let me know. summary: Xander/Cordelia. This fic is set in the same timeline as Christine's amazing story, 'The Wildest Times in the World' although technically this story takes place before that one. If you haven't read it, e-mail me and I'll send it to you. Feedback: Please. Good, bad, anything. Thanks to Christine, for writing the story that started this, and for helping me when I got stuck and for thinking up the title. And there's still more I could thank you for. :) Sunnydale Hospital August 4, 2006 Cordelia woke slowly, looking at her surroundings in confusion. The memory of the night before came back to her slowly, her ex-husband's attack and Xander's rescue. She remembered Xander holding her as she cried for the baby, his tears mixing with her own. Her heart caught as the pain rushed over her again, feeling just as unbearable as it had the night before. She barely stifled her moan, stuffing her fist to her mouth as she tried to grieve quietly. Turning her head she pushed her face into a pillow as she began to sob for the baby that would never be. She lay like that for hours, ignoring the nurses that came in to check on her and their soft murmurs of condolence. She was aware of nothing but her pain until a soft rap on her door was followed by the entrance of her doctor and two large policeman who hovered close to the door.. The doctor came to stand at the foot of her bed, looking at her chart before motioning to the policemen to come closer. The younger of the two cops looked sadly at her before clearing his throat and speaking. "I'm sorry that we have to do this now, but we need to know if you want to press charges." "Charges?" Cordelia repeated blankly before realizing what he was talking about. "Against Doug?" "Yes." The older of the two answered, his expression impatient as he stared at her. Cordelia leaned back against the pillows, wanting nothing more than for the pain to go away. She wanted to go to sleep and never wake up, never have to remember that she had been pregnant and that she would have been a mother. Feeling the tears pushing up her throat she swallowed loudly, feeling her anger beginning as she thought about what Doug had stolen from her. Her voice icy she answered them. "Yes. I want every charge you can think of brought against him." Staring directly at the older man until he dropped his eyes and pulled out his notepad. "We're gonna need a statement then." The younger cop said, his voice telling her that he thought she did the right thing. Cordelia told the story in a calm voice, keeping her expression blank as she spoke. They asked her questions for over an hour, the doctor keeping a careful eye on her. When they were finally finished they warned her that her ex-husband would probably be out on bail within the next few days and she should be careful. "Why?" She whispered, "There is nothing else he could take from me." She turned her head away from them, slipping down further on the bed and pulling the covers up and closing her eyes until she heard them leave the room. A nurse came in soon after, offering her a sleeping pill which she took gratefully, slipping into a dreamless sleep. She woke later to the sound of the doctor telling her that she was free to leave whenever she felt up to it and that her husband was still sitting in the waiting room. She thought for a moment about telling him that Xander wasn't her husband, but didn't. She only nodded her head slightly as she told him that she didn't want to see anyone yet. Squeezing her hand the doctor left the room. Cordelia stared at the ceiling for a while, wondering why she wasn't crying anymore, why she didn't feel anything at all. She climbed out of the bed cautiously, feeling much older than she was. Dressing quietly, she pulled her hair into a ponytail as she walked to the door. Peeking outside she saw that the hallway was deserted, so she slipped out of the room and walked down the hallway, heading in the opposite direction of the waiting room. She was almost at the rear doors of the hospital when someone called her name. She paused, wanting to ignore the voice and keep walking, but instead she turned around slowly, not saying anything. "Cordelia...Cordy." Willow whispered; her face full of sympathy. "Where are you going?" "Home." Cordelia replied, wondering where home was. "We can take you. I'll get Xander. He's waited here all day." "No." Cordelia almost yelled, feeling totally panicked at the idea of seeing Xander. "I don't want to see him. Please Willow, just let me go." Willow moved forward slowly, her eyes full of tears. "He wants to help you. We all want to help you." Cordelia backed away from her, not wanting to feel anyone close to her ever again. She stared at Willow, her dark eyes bright against her pale face. "Not now. Please. Let me be." She spoke each word carefully, not wanting any emotion to break free. "But.." Willow said helplessly, before nodding her head. "Will you let me come and check on you?" Cordelia started to say no, but her fear of being totally alone with her pain made her choke out a soft yes. Willow smiled in relief and started to speak, but Cordelia cut her off, speaking in a voice that frightened her with its deadness. "Just you. Not Xander. Not Buffy. No one else." Willow swallowed nervously before nodding in agreement. Cordelia looked at the red-head for another moment, not knowing what they could possibly ever have to say to each other before she turned and shakily moved down the hall to the taxi that waited outside. ******* August 11, 2006 Cordelia stood in the doorway to her kitchen, listening to the phone ring. She made no move to answer it, or to do anything at all. There was nothing anyone could say that would make her feel any better, no words that would take away the horrible emptiness that she felt. The answering machine clicked on and Xander's voice suddenly filled the room, his voice soft as he begged her to pick up the phone, as he apologized once more. She waited ,frozen, until the machine clicked off and then moving carefully she walked over to it, staring down at the message waiting light that blinked on and off. Her finger hesitated over the erase button, remembering when she would have given anything to hear love in his voice for her. As she hit the button to delete the message she realized that the one thing she wouldn't have given had been the thing she had lost. Wandering into the kitchen she slipped into one of the hard chairs, setting her coffee on the table in front of her and staring into it as it cooled. She stared into space as her mother's words echoed in her head, telling her to get up, to get dressed and start living again. She laughed bitterly; wishing it was that easy, wishing she could have told her mother the real reason she hadn't left her house in over a week. But what could she say? Guess what Mom, remember Xander, the boy that you despised, well I found him drunk on a beach and took advantage of him, got pregnant and then Doug came and landed a solid punch on my stomach; I lost the baby and now can't seem to figure out one reason to even get out of bed. That would really go over well with her parents, they still hadn't forgiven her for leaving Doug. Her mother had been shocked when Cordelia had told her about the divorce, pushing Cordelia to just ignore the other women and the drinking. And her Father, his first words after hearing about Doug's assault on her had been to ask her how she had provoked him. She shivered slightly, imagining the phone call she would be getting if they ever found out about the baby. Pushing her cup away violently she listened to it crash onto the floor before she lay her head on the table and began sobbing once again. A timid knock at the door made her lift her head from the table. Staring blankly at the door she waited for who ever it was to go away. "Cordelia?" A worried voice called out to her. "It's me. It's Willow." Sitting back in her chair, Cordelia continued staring at the door, unsure of what she was going to do. She hadn't really expected Willow to come, at least after the first night she hadn't. Don't answer it, she told herself, but the little voice in her head urged her forward, out of her chair and towards the door. Opening it slowly she looked at the red-head for a moment before she motioned her inside. Cordelia walked slowly into the living room, not looking back to see if Willow was following her. She sat down on the couch and pulled a pillow protectively close to her. Willow sat down cautiously in the chair across from her, leaning forward to speak. "I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner. I...it was a Watcher thing. I came as soon as I could." "It's okay." Cordelia heard her voice speaking, but it sounded far away. She pulled the pillow closer, the ever present tears choking her again. "How are you doing?" Willow said uncomfortably, her fingers playing with her hair. "Fine." Cordelia whispered, her voice cracking. Willow smiled sadly at her before speaking again. "You're not fine. It was a stupid question." Willow stopped playing with her hair and stared intently at Cordelia. "How can I help?" Cordelia didn't say anything as she felt the ever present tears spill down her cheeks. She stared pleadingly at Willow, wanting the other girl to say something that would make it better. The new Watcher said nothing, she just stood and came over to Cordelia, sitting beside her on the couch and wrapping her arms around her. Cordelia stiffened as Willow's arms held her, then she relaxed, sobbing on the redhead's shoulder until she didn't have any tears left. Pulling back from Willow slowly, Cordelia wiped the tears off her face, feeling suddenly embarrassed. This was one of the people who had betrayed her and she was crying on her shoulder. Standing up quickly she walked towards the kitchen, speaking as she moved away. "Coffee. Do you want some?" Willow said a quick yes as she followed her into the kitchen. The Hacker said nothing as Cordelia moved through the kitchen making the coffee. She waited until Cordelia had finally sat down before speaking again. "I want to help you through this. I know you probably don't trust me, or even like me, but you need someone to be there for you. I know there is no way to make up for what happened before. All I can say is that I'm sorry. More sorry than you know." Cordelia stared at her coffee cup, thinking that she should tell Willow to get out of her apartment. To go and be with her real friends, but the words wouldn't come. Looking up at Willow she spoke quietly. "Be careful what you wish for." "What?" Willow questioned. "I wanted you all to think that I was a bitch, I shouldn't complain when I got exactly what I asked for." Cordelia said simply. "But we shouldn't have believed you. We should have known something was wrong." Willow replied; her voice full of regret. Her voice totally devoid of emotion Cordelia asked softly, "Why didn't you?" Willow didn't answer right away, stirring her coffee slowly as she looked at Cordelia. "I don't have a good answer for that. I wish I did. The only thing I can think of is because the things you said hurt so much." "What about Buffy? Angel?" Cordelia shot the names at her, and when Willow looked perplexed she continued speaking. "Buffy was a total bitch to you once, and you still were her friend. And Angel, he killed people and you still tried to help him." "It wasn't Angel." Willow spoke weakly, her face flushing. "It wasn't me." Cordelia said flatly. "I know that. It's just, I never expected you to treat me that way again. I was hurt and angry and I couldn't think of a reason why you would act any differently. There was nothing supernatural." Willow spoke quickly, her words tumbling on top of each other. Cordelia sat quietly for a moment, as flashes of how bad she had once treated Willow flew through her mind. Nodding slowly she spoke. "Why did you come to the hospital with me then, when I fainted?" Willow looked surprised, but recovered quickly. "You were alone, and I was watching you before you fainted. You didn't look like the self-absorbed bitch I thought you were, you just looked lonely." "Lonely?" Cordelia said bitterly, feeling the tears creeping into her eyes again. "I thought that what I felt then was the loneliest a person could ever be, but I was wrong." She let the tears slip quietly down her face as she continued. "After I found out about the baby, I didn't feel lonely anymore. And...and since I lost the baby I feel more alone than I ever have." "You don't have to be alone Cordelia. I want to be here for you, to be your friend. The friend I always should have been." Willow promised; her face sad. "Until I say something wrong?" Cordelia asked bitterly. Willow flushed, her face showing the guilt she felt. "Always Cordelia. Even if you never say another kind thing again." Cordelia sniffed, feeling a tiny bit of hope light inside her. Nodding her head slightly she answered Willow. "I hate being alone." "You've got me. And Buffy, Oz and Giles. And Xander, he never stopped loving you." Willow smiled at her as she spoke, her relief plain on her face. "No." Cordelia shook her head, her face going blank. "Just you. I can't handle anything more than that." Willow's smile faded as she took in Cordelia's words. "They love you." Cordelia's face fell as she implored Willow. "And I love them. But I can't deal with it. I...please." Her stomach clenched as she waited for Willow to answer. Not understanding why it was so much easier to deal with Willow, but positive that if she had to face Xander or Buffy now she would break. "Can I tell them how you're doing?" Willow asked. Cordelia looked at Willow, her hands running through her unwashed hair. "Leave out the part where I'm wearing a dirty robe and my hair is a mess." Smiling tentatively at Willow, Cordelia took a sip of her coffee. ********* ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ End of buffyfic-digest V3 #25 ***************************** To subscribe to buffyfic or buffyfic-digest, send the command subscribe buffyfic-digest or subscribe buffy to majordomo@xmission.com. You will need to go through a confirmation process, and the listowners have to manually approve your subscription request, so it may take some time. 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